Early Years
Anuradha was in college when I met her first. She was fair complexioned, had big honest eyes on her broad face. Her long hair was straight, luxurious and vibrant. She was reasonably tall with a full and graceful posture, which results from learning classical dance early in life. Anuradha had learnt Kathak since she was seven. She was good at it, but she was not exceedingly proud of her achievement. Anuradha enjoyed trying new hair styles and her hair did justice to all styles, whether it was the beehive or a bouffant, a french knot or a simple braiding. She loved the latest fashion and the latest style in heels. Whatever her taste in fashion may suggest, as a person she was quiet and reserved, mostly keeping to herself. I always felt that there was too much contradiction in her personality. But her quiet reserved nature made her a perfect material for a happily married life, after an arranged marriage. And she did.
I on the other hand with my boy cut hair and a tall but lean frame, was quite a tom boy in those days. My Family said that my deep set eyes were a result of my over ambition to achieve more than what was due to me in life. They were sure that soon I would also submit to the obvious worldly choices and become "normal".
Anuradha and I took a liking to each other almost instantly. We shared the hostel room. Anuradha often commented to me, "Astha you can dress up too, no one stops you!" Not that I did not enjoy dressing up, I was just not bothered with it, most of the time. On some days we did dress up in our best outfits and went out to watch movies, in the nearby theatre. And with Anuradha's help, I did a decent job of dressing up too.
Even in those days, I always felt that Anuradha had a zest for life, which she hid behind her fear for the unknown. She took only safe decisions, but was quite capable of doing just anything she wished to do. Isn't it true of a lot of us? For example, she befriended me, a tomboy and a complete misfit in her group of friends. And I know what she enjoyed most, in my company. The risk taking. She just convinced herself that she was doing it for me, but she enjoyed every bit of the escapade and in many instances she was the one who overtly suggested it. For example when we went out of the hostel secretly, without telling the warden, for a movie. It was Anuradha's impression on the warden, of being the quiet reserved do gooder, that saved us from the worst, but no one ever knew that the whole thing was her idea, to begin with.
Sitting in the history lecture that morning, she said that she would love to run away that evening, to watch her favourite hero in the much awaited movie, which was running in the theatre. But it ends after curfew time and she wouldn't dare break hostel rules. So when I took her out of the hostel, under false pretext and we both took an auto to the movie theatre, she was not in the least surprised. It felt like I was the puppet playing in her hands.
I on the other hand was quite outright. I knew exactly what I wanted and I was working towards my goal. I was more or less Anuradha's alter ego. While she dreamed and yet dared not hope for the dream to come true, I would struggle through my whole life to get just what I wanted.
It was not a time when women were expected to have opinion, or to be better than their husbands. Women were taught methodically, to remain in an inferior position from their husbands, in order for them to enjoy matrimonial bliss and have a 'live happily ever after' experience with their prince charming. It did not matter if such restraint made them a little low in health, for they were partially living a lie. That was even better, because then they got more attention from their husbands.
Anuradha's goal in college was to complete her graduation, in order for her parents to find a suitable match for her. And it was fine, because that was also the goal of most of my class mates. We went to a Women's college and most of the girls I knew, would either want to be a school teacher or a home maker. I on the other hand was aspiring to be a lawyer and I was quite sure that marriage and children would take a back seat in my life. Not because it is unimportant, but because of what comes with it.
Anuradha's Marriage
Soon, time came for us to part as roommates, but we were the closest friends by now and wowed to be in touch. And we did. Anuradha got married to a wonderful man even before the graduation results were announced. She was on her honeymoon with Ravi, when the results came and she had passed with distinction in two of her papers. She was really good at history. She had prospects! But when I called to tell her, after she returned from her honeymoon, she was gushing with stories of her experience in Kashmir, with her husband. She was happy to have done well in graduation. But that was it. I did not think of reminding her about further studies. She was so devoted towards her husband. She had already assumed the role of a care giver to him. She cut the call shortly, telling me that she had lots of housework. There is so much to clean. Cleaning remained Anuradha's passion from that time on. I wondered why, till I visited her a few months later.
Anuradha lived with a mother-in-law, who was a fantastic cook. She was also an iron lady, not easily adjusting to new thoughts and ideas. Mothers-in-law played a special role in Indian families in the past, when girls got married in their early teens. They were just in the age of learning the mannerism of the world and the training came from the mother-in-law, not from the mother. How to cook, what to cook each day, how to receive guests at home, who got what respect in the family and even what opinions to make, were things that mother-in-law taught to the young bride. Times had changed since. Girls were marrying in their twenties. Parents ensured that they were reasonably good cooks and housekeepers when they married. Mothers-in-law were now facing the challenging role of getting not just a daughter-in-law into their homes and lives, but also letting another culture to enter their homes. There were cultural clashes, which went unresolved because of the sensitivity of the relationship. No one really opened up and discussed any issue. Everyone was expected to know certain things. And if they did not, that became a cause of unspoken contention.
Anuradha very quickly figured that she would not make a huge impact by competing with her mother-in-law as a cook. Having lived in the hostel from a young age, she was kept bereft of fine culinary skill, which her Mother might have instilled in her. But cleanliness was not the hallmark in her marital home. Anuradha on the other hand had a knack for cleaning. Her cleaning skill instantly got her a recognition in her marital home and she was bent upon becoming better and better at it. Her prospects as palaeontologist or a professor of history could be ignored for now... For ever...
My friend Aunradha, She would vigorously take notes in the history class and lecture me on why and how she felt freedom struggle of India was an unfinished business; which is the next renaissance in the making; what does unearthing of the past do the the modern culture as a whole... Anuradha now was a home maker. A lover for sure, for she loved her husband truly and from the core of her heart. Though she might never know how to express it in words, she would do so through her duties towards him, of cooking and cleaning and of making life comfortable for him. She would not demand much from him, unless she felt she had earned it in some way. A chaste Indian woman, that is all Anuradha ever wanted to be. I reasoned that this was her goal and therefore I should feel happy that she achieved it.
Arth for Anuradha
This was a few years after her marriage. I was not home when the call came. My mother told me that Anuradha was brimming with excitement when she called to tell me that she would soon become a mother. I could not miss tears in my mother's eyes, as she gave me the news. I had been busy pursuing my career and so had not yet married. In some ways I was afraid of the limitations that marriage brought in a woman's life. As if the coloured bangles and clothes worn after marriage, were the furthest I could get to filling colours in my life. I wanted them for real. Not just in my attire!
I immediately called Anuradha to congratulate her. I could feel that she was in tears too. Tears of joy but also of an unknown fear. I knew that fear all too well. I had felt it, when I had refused to marry the rich businessman's son, because I felt that would be the end of me as Astha. There were bitter exchanges at home and my Mother went to the extent of saying that, I would be left alone in the world, while all my friends moved on with their lives. I had felt that fear. Fear of unknown, to which my choices were leading me. I wanted to be a mother too, I wanted to love and be loved too. But not for better future, only for the sake of love. I was beginning to learn that I was asking for too much.
Soon Anuradha delivered a healthy baby boy. I had taken leave from work to be with her at that time. She was fast becoming my alter ego. I could not bear to be torn away from the coziness of her life for too long. Even though I was sure of what I wanted. I loved to be part of her paradise time to time. Just see it from a distance. Anuradha and Ravi were filled with deepest joy at the sight of their baby. Her Mother-in-law looked overwhelmed to see her first grand child and was just as much emotionally moved with the event. And for the first time, I was beginning to build a different kind of respect for her. She was after all a mother too. She must have had so many different qualities, which she may have suppressed, to be the great cook, just for her family! I quietly walked out of the hospital room, to wipe my eyes, it felt moist suddenly. I let the family share the joyful moment. I felt, a profound happiness had enveloped the entire family at that moment.
They named him Arth, because Anuradha felt he brought a meaning in their lives. I felt that was so ironical. For Anuradha had never even glanced at the meaning that she was capable of bringing in her own life. She had devoted it all to just get Arth in her life, up until now. And now she was going to devote it all to Arth.
I would have married Madhav at about that time. I would... I knew him from childhood. We were neighbours and close friends. I don't know if I fell in love with him before or after he proposed to me. I felt that he is the only one who understood me and would let me be. But just before I could say "yes", he had put a condition. He wanted me to take care of his widowed mother. He wanted me to know that he expected it of me after we married. Didn't he know me well enough? Wasn't that understood? I wondered why his proposal was beginning to sound so contract like! I probably told him that, "I would take care of your mother even if I did not marry you. But I was not ready for marriage. Maybe later." Madhav waited. He really did. In fact he never married. Maybe he only partially understood me. Maybe I made a mistake in judging him. "Mati-Ka-Madhav", I used to call him jokingly. Is it possible he was indeed a bit of that?
I did care for his mother till her last day. We were neighbours and Madhav had a traveling job. She truly appreciated my presence in her life. She hoped that someday, Madhav would marry and his wife would take care of her. But it never happened. I wonder if I would have cared for her the same as I did, if I had married Madhav. I wounder if she would have appreciated me the same as she did, if I was her daughter-in-law.
Anuradha doted on her new born. She devoted all her time and energy on the little child and was always only talking about it. Her mother-in-law had now also become her mentor for the very first time, sharing tips and tricks of bringing up a child. And therefore the daily tussle between the two of them had become a lot more bearable for Anuradha. Her husband was becoming busier in his work and therefore she happily took the responsibility of her child's education and upbringing. Arth was a perfect child any parent could have. Intelligent, curious, confident and courteous. As he began to grow, he became his mother's pride. And I his god mother, truly enjoyed his company, sharing stories and silly games whenever I happened to visit them. This was not very frequent, since I was getting busier in my work, but it was always a treat.
Making of the Problem Child
One thing that I truly appreciated about Anuradha was that, she valued her choices and I never heard her complain about anything in her life. She would find a solution for just everything. Including her penchant for cleanliness, as an answer to her mother-in-law's cooking skills.
If it is not our own problems that shake us apart, then there are others, close to us, who may add their's to the pool, in order to make life a little more of a challenge. In Anuradha's case it was her sister Aradhana. Anuradha was too attached to her sister, to find any faults with her. But her sister was a different person. In her marital home she took problems of her extended family and made it her own, in order to get accepted by them. Her technique may have got her instant acceptance in the family, but in no way did it make her happy. Anuradha wanted to make Aradhana happy and she did so in every opportunity she got. Maybe she should have known that when we try to right other people's wrong, we get drawn into it.
Aradhana was just a year older to Anuradha. Much the same as her in most ways, full of contradictions. She was a wonderful artiste and could make beautiful paintings. But ever since she got married, she could not devote any time to her hobby. In fact she had no time for herself and even for her husband. She was so drawn into her extended family. Probably she was profoundly unhappy that she left her prospects of a successful career in art, in order to be just a wife. But not even once had she really asked for a career. She had just submitted to her parent's decisions as it came.
I had seen Anuradha deal with all her problem with no complaints at all. But when it came to her sister, I did not know how to console her. Neither did I feel the desire to. For I knew in a way it was her sister's wrong choices. Anuradha would never do it to herself.
Tara comes in Arth's Life
When Anuradha's son Arth got his first job, he brought two news home. And the second one, the girl he would marry sent Anuradha into a period of quiet, as she tried to accept her son's choice. She would not admit, even to me, that she would have preferred it differently. But I could feel it. I saw her come out of it too. Tara became part of Anuradha's family, a girl zesty and charming and a match to her son in every way. To an onlooker, Anuradha should have had nothing to complain about. But probably it was the knowledge that her son was keeping a secret from her for so long, he was seeing Tara for six years. Or probably the fear of losing her son to a perfect stranger! Tara, was intelligent and knew how to keep her distance. This made Anuradha curious about her, but there was no way she could learn a lot about her, besides letting time flow in its own course and to hope to know her better someday. And because of all this, Anuradha was left to be only a helpless spectator now, in her son's life. Unlike the time when she would boast about the number of hours her son put in at study, to make it through the competitions. She knew what her son liked to eat, when he studied, what were his hobbies and she knew for sure that her son would be really really successful. She also knew that she would be proud of him all her life. What she did not anticipate was that, one day all that would come with Arth's final independence. And that she would know less and less about the little things that mattered to him, as he grew up.
As she became the Mother-in-law herself, Anuradha for the first time may have felt what it means to be separated from someone so close. Her decisions were no more final in her son's life. On the other hand Arth did not control Tara. She would surprise Arth by planning a trip over the weekend, or she would just go out alone on a road trip. Cooking did not interest her a lot and housekeeping was a role shared by both. She could make last minute plan to go out for dinner. She could read at the breakfast table. Not reading during meals was a discipline in the house, Arth would never break. To an onlooker this is perfectly fine. But then did Tara ever confide in Anuradha? Did she try to befriend the mother of her husband? I don't know if she tried and gave up or if she felt it would take time for her to be accepted in the family or if Tara just did not feel it necessary at all. I truly adored Tara for what she was and what she had accomplished. I knew that if it was possible in my days, I would be Tara. I also knew that Anuradha was dealing with a loss, which was inevitable, no matter what the circumstances. So I remained a mute spectator, not taking sides.
With time I also saw a sensitive but cordial relationship grow between Anuradha and Tara. Tara had a way of doing things around the house, she did not much care if she was better or worse than her mother-in-law. But then she was not living with Anuradha. She and Arth were living in a different city. But they kept visiting Anuradha and Ravi. I saw how those little things that Tara did, affected Anuradha, like asking Arth to help in the kitchen, demanding why garbage was not taken out, refusing to make a cup of tea when Arth asked for it. I knew somewhere Anuradha was saying to herself, does she really love my son? But then Anuradha had learnt that it was best to be quiet. That is what nurtures relationships.
Soon Anuradha became a grandmother too. I could not forget how I had watched Anuradha's mother-in-law hold Arth in her arms for the first time. That moment of complete acceptance of the son's new life, I could not miss it this time either.
Aradhana's Problems
I felt Anuradha and Ravi had made it through the blissful river of life that flows and ebbs, but never stops or weakens. And all this while I knew how well they had done it, through their own choices. So it came as a surprise to me when I met Anuradha in one of my flying visits, to see her torn up with worries and with furrows on her forehead. She was tense and she was looking unhappy, probably for the first time in her life. I asked her what the problem was, but she changed the subject. I feared it had to do with her sister. I cautioned her that this was her life and her choices. She deserved to be happy after all that she had done in her life.
Being happy is an art. Sometimes when we are through with our own worries, we start worrying for others. Because of our love and affection for them. Truth is, we cannot find solution for others. Either people have sorted their problems or they have made it into a bait, to seek affection from those who try to sort theirs.
Anuradha had no reason to believe that her sister had been dealt a bad hand by life. Aradhana was married to an accomplished and handsome man with a strong family background. He was also someone who respected and cared for Aradhana. In their times a perfect marriage. For whatever be the reason, she chose to be the care giver of sort, to his extended family. She was respected by the extended family for what she had done for them. Though she never got the attention of her mother-in-law, for which she was pining. Maybe she was the only one who understood Aradhana's real ploy. But after her mother-in-law passed away, she did become the most important person in the family. Consulted in every single family matter and respected by all. But to get this, Aradhana neglected her own children, a daughter and a son. Lot of people give up their dreams to achieve happiness in their children's lives. Anuradha did, but not her sister. She was too caught up with that coveted place in the extended family. In that her sister was no different from me. A career woman... But we never see home makers as career women. It is a mistake...
Soon Aradhana's own family began to disintegrate due to absence of mother from home for long periods of time, when she was away tending to family matters in the extended family. And I was not very surprised to hear that. I thought Anuradha also would be wise enough to understand and help her sister out of it, without taking any of it to heart. But I was surprised to see Anuradha getting entangled into her sister's family problems. She was heartbroken when her niece, her sister's daughter arrived at home one day, married to the son of the neighbourhood shop owner. Not such a bad match if you think of it. The boy was a graduate and as the only son, had an undisputed claim to the shop. But her sister chose to refuse to accept the marriage. The daughter was left to fend for her life alone from there on.
Not much longer from then, the daughter, started getting into frequent quarrels with her husband over petty matters, which kept getting worse. After one such quarrel, she left her home late in the night and was found sitting at the gate of her mother's home, in the morning. Mentally shaken and completely heartbroken to the core. This became a source of constant pain for Anuradha. No one ever analysed the circumstances that led to this break down of the girl. No one ever tried to talk to her husband and reconcile the marriage. No one asked the girl what she wanted. She was just taken in as a mentally ill daughter, to be tended to.
Aradhana's younger son started keeping distance from home, as the family would not allow him to make any suggestions in the matter relating to his sister. He moved abroad and married a person of foreign origin. He sent his marriage photographs and asked his parents if he should send tickets to them, so they could come visit. Aradhana said she wanted some time to think and never really came to deciding on the matter. She had enough respect in the extended family to wade her through the hard times. And sometimes this sort of things bring more respect too the apparent sufferer. Others see it as God's unfairness towards a selfless soul.
On the other hand, Anuradha who felt life had been kinder on her and not her sister, began to worry endlessly about the sister. Every problem that her sister faced, Anuradha felt it a lot more. And I was helpless. Because if it was her problem, I would know what to say to her. But this was her sister. It soon started to become clear to me that she was adopting a problem child, when there was no need for it.
Tara and Anuradha stuck a fairly good chord over time, till the time Anuradha was still living her life and her worries. But in one of my visits I witnessed something that brought reality striking at my face. This was the time when Anuradha was completely obsessed with her sister's worries, her derelict niece and estranged nephew. I was sitting at the table reading a book in the morning and I am sure I saw it. Tara was coming out of her room and then she saw Anuradha coming that way, looking for something and she literally ducked behind the door. She did not notice me. It was just a chance that I saw it. I had looked up to say something to Anuradha and it was just that second. But I am sure of what I saw. Tara was avoiding Anuradha. She looked almost afraid of her. And why not, I reasoned. Off late if there was anything Anuradha ever talked of, it was her sister's worries. A son who did not call the parents to the wedding and a daughter who was jilted in marriage and was now mentally unwell. Anuradha's problem child was ruining the paradise that she had built out of her own intelligence, dedication and sacrifice.
I realised I was also becoming alienated with Anuradha, because I fully empathised with Tara in that moment.
My phone rang, it was Madhav...
Anuradha was in college when I met her first. She was fair complexioned, had big honest eyes on her broad face. Her long hair was straight, luxurious and vibrant. She was reasonably tall with a full and graceful posture, which results from learning classical dance early in life. Anuradha had learnt Kathak since she was seven. She was good at it, but she was not exceedingly proud of her achievement. Anuradha enjoyed trying new hair styles and her hair did justice to all styles, whether it was the beehive or a bouffant, a french knot or a simple braiding. She loved the latest fashion and the latest style in heels. Whatever her taste in fashion may suggest, as a person she was quiet and reserved, mostly keeping to herself. I always felt that there was too much contradiction in her personality. But her quiet reserved nature made her a perfect material for a happily married life, after an arranged marriage. And she did.
I on the other hand with my boy cut hair and a tall but lean frame, was quite a tom boy in those days. My Family said that my deep set eyes were a result of my over ambition to achieve more than what was due to me in life. They were sure that soon I would also submit to the obvious worldly choices and become "normal".
Anuradha and I took a liking to each other almost instantly. We shared the hostel room. Anuradha often commented to me, "Astha you can dress up too, no one stops you!" Not that I did not enjoy dressing up, I was just not bothered with it, most of the time. On some days we did dress up in our best outfits and went out to watch movies, in the nearby theatre. And with Anuradha's help, I did a decent job of dressing up too.
Even in those days, I always felt that Anuradha had a zest for life, which she hid behind her fear for the unknown. She took only safe decisions, but was quite capable of doing just anything she wished to do. Isn't it true of a lot of us? For example, she befriended me, a tomboy and a complete misfit in her group of friends. And I know what she enjoyed most, in my company. The risk taking. She just convinced herself that she was doing it for me, but she enjoyed every bit of the escapade and in many instances she was the one who overtly suggested it. For example when we went out of the hostel secretly, without telling the warden, for a movie. It was Anuradha's impression on the warden, of being the quiet reserved do gooder, that saved us from the worst, but no one ever knew that the whole thing was her idea, to begin with.
Sitting in the history lecture that morning, she said that she would love to run away that evening, to watch her favourite hero in the much awaited movie, which was running in the theatre. But it ends after curfew time and she wouldn't dare break hostel rules. So when I took her out of the hostel, under false pretext and we both took an auto to the movie theatre, she was not in the least surprised. It felt like I was the puppet playing in her hands.
I on the other hand was quite outright. I knew exactly what I wanted and I was working towards my goal. I was more or less Anuradha's alter ego. While she dreamed and yet dared not hope for the dream to come true, I would struggle through my whole life to get just what I wanted.
It was not a time when women were expected to have opinion, or to be better than their husbands. Women were taught methodically, to remain in an inferior position from their husbands, in order for them to enjoy matrimonial bliss and have a 'live happily ever after' experience with their prince charming. It did not matter if such restraint made them a little low in health, for they were partially living a lie. That was even better, because then they got more attention from their husbands.
Anuradha's goal in college was to complete her graduation, in order for her parents to find a suitable match for her. And it was fine, because that was also the goal of most of my class mates. We went to a Women's college and most of the girls I knew, would either want to be a school teacher or a home maker. I on the other hand was aspiring to be a lawyer and I was quite sure that marriage and children would take a back seat in my life. Not because it is unimportant, but because of what comes with it.
Anuradha's Marriage
Soon, time came for us to part as roommates, but we were the closest friends by now and wowed to be in touch. And we did. Anuradha got married to a wonderful man even before the graduation results were announced. She was on her honeymoon with Ravi, when the results came and she had passed with distinction in two of her papers. She was really good at history. She had prospects! But when I called to tell her, after she returned from her honeymoon, she was gushing with stories of her experience in Kashmir, with her husband. She was happy to have done well in graduation. But that was it. I did not think of reminding her about further studies. She was so devoted towards her husband. She had already assumed the role of a care giver to him. She cut the call shortly, telling me that she had lots of housework. There is so much to clean. Cleaning remained Anuradha's passion from that time on. I wondered why, till I visited her a few months later.
Anuradha lived with a mother-in-law, who was a fantastic cook. She was also an iron lady, not easily adjusting to new thoughts and ideas. Mothers-in-law played a special role in Indian families in the past, when girls got married in their early teens. They were just in the age of learning the mannerism of the world and the training came from the mother-in-law, not from the mother. How to cook, what to cook each day, how to receive guests at home, who got what respect in the family and even what opinions to make, were things that mother-in-law taught to the young bride. Times had changed since. Girls were marrying in their twenties. Parents ensured that they were reasonably good cooks and housekeepers when they married. Mothers-in-law were now facing the challenging role of getting not just a daughter-in-law into their homes and lives, but also letting another culture to enter their homes. There were cultural clashes, which went unresolved because of the sensitivity of the relationship. No one really opened up and discussed any issue. Everyone was expected to know certain things. And if they did not, that became a cause of unspoken contention.
Anuradha very quickly figured that she would not make a huge impact by competing with her mother-in-law as a cook. Having lived in the hostel from a young age, she was kept bereft of fine culinary skill, which her Mother might have instilled in her. But cleanliness was not the hallmark in her marital home. Anuradha on the other hand had a knack for cleaning. Her cleaning skill instantly got her a recognition in her marital home and she was bent upon becoming better and better at it. Her prospects as palaeontologist or a professor of history could be ignored for now... For ever...
My friend Aunradha, She would vigorously take notes in the history class and lecture me on why and how she felt freedom struggle of India was an unfinished business; which is the next renaissance in the making; what does unearthing of the past do the the modern culture as a whole... Anuradha now was a home maker. A lover for sure, for she loved her husband truly and from the core of her heart. Though she might never know how to express it in words, she would do so through her duties towards him, of cooking and cleaning and of making life comfortable for him. She would not demand much from him, unless she felt she had earned it in some way. A chaste Indian woman, that is all Anuradha ever wanted to be. I reasoned that this was her goal and therefore I should feel happy that she achieved it.
Arth for Anuradha
This was a few years after her marriage. I was not home when the call came. My mother told me that Anuradha was brimming with excitement when she called to tell me that she would soon become a mother. I could not miss tears in my mother's eyes, as she gave me the news. I had been busy pursuing my career and so had not yet married. In some ways I was afraid of the limitations that marriage brought in a woman's life. As if the coloured bangles and clothes worn after marriage, were the furthest I could get to filling colours in my life. I wanted them for real. Not just in my attire!
I immediately called Anuradha to congratulate her. I could feel that she was in tears too. Tears of joy but also of an unknown fear. I knew that fear all too well. I had felt it, when I had refused to marry the rich businessman's son, because I felt that would be the end of me as Astha. There were bitter exchanges at home and my Mother went to the extent of saying that, I would be left alone in the world, while all my friends moved on with their lives. I had felt that fear. Fear of unknown, to which my choices were leading me. I wanted to be a mother too, I wanted to love and be loved too. But not for better future, only for the sake of love. I was beginning to learn that I was asking for too much.
Soon Anuradha delivered a healthy baby boy. I had taken leave from work to be with her at that time. She was fast becoming my alter ego. I could not bear to be torn away from the coziness of her life for too long. Even though I was sure of what I wanted. I loved to be part of her paradise time to time. Just see it from a distance. Anuradha and Ravi were filled with deepest joy at the sight of their baby. Her Mother-in-law looked overwhelmed to see her first grand child and was just as much emotionally moved with the event. And for the first time, I was beginning to build a different kind of respect for her. She was after all a mother too. She must have had so many different qualities, which she may have suppressed, to be the great cook, just for her family! I quietly walked out of the hospital room, to wipe my eyes, it felt moist suddenly. I let the family share the joyful moment. I felt, a profound happiness had enveloped the entire family at that moment.
They named him Arth, because Anuradha felt he brought a meaning in their lives. I felt that was so ironical. For Anuradha had never even glanced at the meaning that she was capable of bringing in her own life. She had devoted it all to just get Arth in her life, up until now. And now she was going to devote it all to Arth.
I would have married Madhav at about that time. I would... I knew him from childhood. We were neighbours and close friends. I don't know if I fell in love with him before or after he proposed to me. I felt that he is the only one who understood me and would let me be. But just before I could say "yes", he had put a condition. He wanted me to take care of his widowed mother. He wanted me to know that he expected it of me after we married. Didn't he know me well enough? Wasn't that understood? I wondered why his proposal was beginning to sound so contract like! I probably told him that, "I would take care of your mother even if I did not marry you. But I was not ready for marriage. Maybe later." Madhav waited. He really did. In fact he never married. Maybe he only partially understood me. Maybe I made a mistake in judging him. "Mati-Ka-Madhav", I used to call him jokingly. Is it possible he was indeed a bit of that?
I did care for his mother till her last day. We were neighbours and Madhav had a traveling job. She truly appreciated my presence in her life. She hoped that someday, Madhav would marry and his wife would take care of her. But it never happened. I wonder if I would have cared for her the same as I did, if I had married Madhav. I wounder if she would have appreciated me the same as she did, if I was her daughter-in-law.
Anuradha doted on her new born. She devoted all her time and energy on the little child and was always only talking about it. Her mother-in-law had now also become her mentor for the very first time, sharing tips and tricks of bringing up a child. And therefore the daily tussle between the two of them had become a lot more bearable for Anuradha. Her husband was becoming busier in his work and therefore she happily took the responsibility of her child's education and upbringing. Arth was a perfect child any parent could have. Intelligent, curious, confident and courteous. As he began to grow, he became his mother's pride. And I his god mother, truly enjoyed his company, sharing stories and silly games whenever I happened to visit them. This was not very frequent, since I was getting busier in my work, but it was always a treat.
Making of the Problem Child
One thing that I truly appreciated about Anuradha was that, she valued her choices and I never heard her complain about anything in her life. She would find a solution for just everything. Including her penchant for cleanliness, as an answer to her mother-in-law's cooking skills.
If it is not our own problems that shake us apart, then there are others, close to us, who may add their's to the pool, in order to make life a little more of a challenge. In Anuradha's case it was her sister Aradhana. Anuradha was too attached to her sister, to find any faults with her. But her sister was a different person. In her marital home she took problems of her extended family and made it her own, in order to get accepted by them. Her technique may have got her instant acceptance in the family, but in no way did it make her happy. Anuradha wanted to make Aradhana happy and she did so in every opportunity she got. Maybe she should have known that when we try to right other people's wrong, we get drawn into it.
Aradhana was just a year older to Anuradha. Much the same as her in most ways, full of contradictions. She was a wonderful artiste and could make beautiful paintings. But ever since she got married, she could not devote any time to her hobby. In fact she had no time for herself and even for her husband. She was so drawn into her extended family. Probably she was profoundly unhappy that she left her prospects of a successful career in art, in order to be just a wife. But not even once had she really asked for a career. She had just submitted to her parent's decisions as it came.
I had seen Anuradha deal with all her problem with no complaints at all. But when it came to her sister, I did not know how to console her. Neither did I feel the desire to. For I knew in a way it was her sister's wrong choices. Anuradha would never do it to herself.
Tara comes in Arth's Life
When Anuradha's son Arth got his first job, he brought two news home. And the second one, the girl he would marry sent Anuradha into a period of quiet, as she tried to accept her son's choice. She would not admit, even to me, that she would have preferred it differently. But I could feel it. I saw her come out of it too. Tara became part of Anuradha's family, a girl zesty and charming and a match to her son in every way. To an onlooker, Anuradha should have had nothing to complain about. But probably it was the knowledge that her son was keeping a secret from her for so long, he was seeing Tara for six years. Or probably the fear of losing her son to a perfect stranger! Tara, was intelligent and knew how to keep her distance. This made Anuradha curious about her, but there was no way she could learn a lot about her, besides letting time flow in its own course and to hope to know her better someday. And because of all this, Anuradha was left to be only a helpless spectator now, in her son's life. Unlike the time when she would boast about the number of hours her son put in at study, to make it through the competitions. She knew what her son liked to eat, when he studied, what were his hobbies and she knew for sure that her son would be really really successful. She also knew that she would be proud of him all her life. What she did not anticipate was that, one day all that would come with Arth's final independence. And that she would know less and less about the little things that mattered to him, as he grew up.
As she became the Mother-in-law herself, Anuradha for the first time may have felt what it means to be separated from someone so close. Her decisions were no more final in her son's life. On the other hand Arth did not control Tara. She would surprise Arth by planning a trip over the weekend, or she would just go out alone on a road trip. Cooking did not interest her a lot and housekeeping was a role shared by both. She could make last minute plan to go out for dinner. She could read at the breakfast table. Not reading during meals was a discipline in the house, Arth would never break. To an onlooker this is perfectly fine. But then did Tara ever confide in Anuradha? Did she try to befriend the mother of her husband? I don't know if she tried and gave up or if she felt it would take time for her to be accepted in the family or if Tara just did not feel it necessary at all. I truly adored Tara for what she was and what she had accomplished. I knew that if it was possible in my days, I would be Tara. I also knew that Anuradha was dealing with a loss, which was inevitable, no matter what the circumstances. So I remained a mute spectator, not taking sides.
With time I also saw a sensitive but cordial relationship grow between Anuradha and Tara. Tara had a way of doing things around the house, she did not much care if she was better or worse than her mother-in-law. But then she was not living with Anuradha. She and Arth were living in a different city. But they kept visiting Anuradha and Ravi. I saw how those little things that Tara did, affected Anuradha, like asking Arth to help in the kitchen, demanding why garbage was not taken out, refusing to make a cup of tea when Arth asked for it. I knew somewhere Anuradha was saying to herself, does she really love my son? But then Anuradha had learnt that it was best to be quiet. That is what nurtures relationships.
Soon Anuradha became a grandmother too. I could not forget how I had watched Anuradha's mother-in-law hold Arth in her arms for the first time. That moment of complete acceptance of the son's new life, I could not miss it this time either.
Aradhana's Problems
I felt Anuradha and Ravi had made it through the blissful river of life that flows and ebbs, but never stops or weakens. And all this while I knew how well they had done it, through their own choices. So it came as a surprise to me when I met Anuradha in one of my flying visits, to see her torn up with worries and with furrows on her forehead. She was tense and she was looking unhappy, probably for the first time in her life. I asked her what the problem was, but she changed the subject. I feared it had to do with her sister. I cautioned her that this was her life and her choices. She deserved to be happy after all that she had done in her life.
Being happy is an art. Sometimes when we are through with our own worries, we start worrying for others. Because of our love and affection for them. Truth is, we cannot find solution for others. Either people have sorted their problems or they have made it into a bait, to seek affection from those who try to sort theirs.
Anuradha had no reason to believe that her sister had been dealt a bad hand by life. Aradhana was married to an accomplished and handsome man with a strong family background. He was also someone who respected and cared for Aradhana. In their times a perfect marriage. For whatever be the reason, she chose to be the care giver of sort, to his extended family. She was respected by the extended family for what she had done for them. Though she never got the attention of her mother-in-law, for which she was pining. Maybe she was the only one who understood Aradhana's real ploy. But after her mother-in-law passed away, she did become the most important person in the family. Consulted in every single family matter and respected by all. But to get this, Aradhana neglected her own children, a daughter and a son. Lot of people give up their dreams to achieve happiness in their children's lives. Anuradha did, but not her sister. She was too caught up with that coveted place in the extended family. In that her sister was no different from me. A career woman... But we never see home makers as career women. It is a mistake...
Soon Aradhana's own family began to disintegrate due to absence of mother from home for long periods of time, when she was away tending to family matters in the extended family. And I was not very surprised to hear that. I thought Anuradha also would be wise enough to understand and help her sister out of it, without taking any of it to heart. But I was surprised to see Anuradha getting entangled into her sister's family problems. She was heartbroken when her niece, her sister's daughter arrived at home one day, married to the son of the neighbourhood shop owner. Not such a bad match if you think of it. The boy was a graduate and as the only son, had an undisputed claim to the shop. But her sister chose to refuse to accept the marriage. The daughter was left to fend for her life alone from there on.
Not much longer from then, the daughter, started getting into frequent quarrels with her husband over petty matters, which kept getting worse. After one such quarrel, she left her home late in the night and was found sitting at the gate of her mother's home, in the morning. Mentally shaken and completely heartbroken to the core. This became a source of constant pain for Anuradha. No one ever analysed the circumstances that led to this break down of the girl. No one ever tried to talk to her husband and reconcile the marriage. No one asked the girl what she wanted. She was just taken in as a mentally ill daughter, to be tended to.
Aradhana's younger son started keeping distance from home, as the family would not allow him to make any suggestions in the matter relating to his sister. He moved abroad and married a person of foreign origin. He sent his marriage photographs and asked his parents if he should send tickets to them, so they could come visit. Aradhana said she wanted some time to think and never really came to deciding on the matter. She had enough respect in the extended family to wade her through the hard times. And sometimes this sort of things bring more respect too the apparent sufferer. Others see it as God's unfairness towards a selfless soul.
On the other hand, Anuradha who felt life had been kinder on her and not her sister, began to worry endlessly about the sister. Every problem that her sister faced, Anuradha felt it a lot more. And I was helpless. Because if it was her problem, I would know what to say to her. But this was her sister. It soon started to become clear to me that she was adopting a problem child, when there was no need for it.
Tara and Anuradha stuck a fairly good chord over time, till the time Anuradha was still living her life and her worries. But in one of my visits I witnessed something that brought reality striking at my face. This was the time when Anuradha was completely obsessed with her sister's worries, her derelict niece and estranged nephew. I was sitting at the table reading a book in the morning and I am sure I saw it. Tara was coming out of her room and then she saw Anuradha coming that way, looking for something and she literally ducked behind the door. She did not notice me. It was just a chance that I saw it. I had looked up to say something to Anuradha and it was just that second. But I am sure of what I saw. Tara was avoiding Anuradha. She looked almost afraid of her. And why not, I reasoned. Off late if there was anything Anuradha ever talked of, it was her sister's worries. A son who did not call the parents to the wedding and a daughter who was jilted in marriage and was now mentally unwell. Anuradha's problem child was ruining the paradise that she had built out of her own intelligence, dedication and sacrifice.
I realised I was also becoming alienated with Anuradha, because I fully empathised with Tara in that moment.
My phone rang, it was Madhav...
