How Forgiving can be Ridiculously Easy!

Don't we each have someone that we hate? Someone that we don't like so much? Someone that annoys? Someone that hurts? Someone that harms? Someone that gossips? Someone that patronises? Someone that ignores? Maybe, one of each kind, if not more! 

It seems like a lot to handle. A lot of trouble. A lot of memory space occupied to remember each unique digression, so as to treat each as they deserve. My latest pet peeve is a family member who omitted to acknowledge me at her daughter's wedding. In fact she simply did not speak to me about the upcoming and now solemnised wedding. 

I am ranting quite self righteously and complaining incessantly about it. I am hurt. And I want to tell her how hurt. I want to tell her a million things, hurtful, emotional, insensitive, whatever comes, I want her to know. 

The amount of space it is taking in my mind is significant. And so I decided, forgive her. What is the point? It was her daughter's wedding, big day - for HER and it was her's to enjoy, to include or not, to boast, to brag, to impress, to fuss over and to make memories.  Make memories with people in HER life. She failed me. It's her loss maybe. Or not. 

For me to be uncharitable to her is only making ME the victim. Which I am not. What was my role in the entire process? Her daughter decided it was time to get married, she conducted the wedding ceremony. Where do I picture in this? As a matter of fact nothing changed for me. I was busy with my own multiple complexities of livingry before and I am busy with the same now. For most of us invitees weddings are just a flash in the pan. Also many many many calories added which we can easily do without. I must actually empathise with her. Who knows what deep rooted apathy led her to exclude me. What unhappy experience made her to be so hardened. At a time when she could be her authentic best and celebrate. But most of all, I must not waste my precious time over someone else's problem.

I debated internally over the right thing to do: 

a. Talk to her. Tell her that I am hurt. Give her a chance to atone. Finally let go of it. 

b. Completely ignore the incident. Not my business!

c. Take it out on her, when opportunity shows up for me to, well, take-it-out-on-her! 

What would be the best course of action? a, b or c? 

When I look at it this way, it is obviously a. Was a. your answer? Or even b., Did you choose b.? Certainly not c. it is such a no brainer. 

If only wisdom remained our true virtue. There is a person inside of me, who is seething with anger, the person who wants to react, the person who wants an eye for an eye, the person who is blinded with rage. What would be the best way to manage her? That person who is my ego. That person who likes to react and say, 'I don't care for the outcome.' That person who leaves destruction behind, for my saner self to navigate my way out. And that person who many times puts me into the quagmire from where there seems no outlet to my calmer, wiser self. She is also my favourite person, please note. She comes with a childish fervour. She knows exactly how to make me feel young and energetic in the moment of rage and destruction. To act invincible and just fade away. Its glorious to follow her into the deepest depth of despair, rather than to just do nothing. My vengefulness therefore is unyielding. I will get solace only when I hurt her back. 

There is one more thing to consider, and it is really important to consider this. Every time, that I have hurt someone back, I have never received confirmation of the pain inflicted on them. I am never able to ascertain whether they really felt it, like I had felt. I can't just email to them and say, "please confirm the pain I inflicted on you, on the scale of 1 to 10, one being least and 10 being most painful. How much were you hurt?" And a follow up question, "If your answer to the above is less than or equal to 5, please clarify how I can hurt you at 6 or higher?" I can't send such a mail!

So no matter how much I may want my vendetta, it is never complete. With no way of knowing how much I hurt them, I remain dissatisfied even after inflicting the pain. It is not even satisfying to hurt other people! They remain inscrutable in their actions and reactions. If life was a movie, we could have flashed back and forward and got clarity over the real outcome of my act of vengeance to be portrayed with apt background track and discernible emotional outbursts. But life is not a movie. There is no plot being played and there is no means of looking into and feeling what others see or feel. This is a zero sum game, a never-ending one at that. It is a constant cycle of hurting, harming, insinuating, insulting, injuring and more, with no real, visible and final, satisfactory outcome. And if I become so dogged in my vengeance, I would only become a career avenger! Nothing more. Not the Avenger as in the movie. But Avenger who only avenges and does nothing but avenge. A life wasted in doling out to people whatever I may wish to believe is their due! But I look into the mirror and realise this instantly: I am not God!

Wouldn't it be better if I just forgave, forgot and moved on? Wow how divine it sounds. Yet it takes the heart the size of an elephant's to do that. Look, I have not seen an elephant's heart, it is probably quite big, proportionate to the size of the animal, which is, you know, big. It is logical to forgive and forget, but sounds impossible. 

Every sinew, every single muscle struggles to hold me back. Every bit of me is ready to Wage a battle to nothing and nowhere. And yes, sanity has a way of coercing insanity into restrained silence. Ridicule. Along with reason, observe the ridiculousness of the situation, and that pretty much dissolves the anger!

10 things To Do To Get Your Forever Smile!

Hey You Beautiful Girl,

Here is a piece just for you.

 "Say Cheese" and I smirked, and there, my pic had been arrested. I am the century's most successful smirker! I remember that program on national geographic which explained how a smile is not a smile unless it shows in the eyes. And how most of our smiles end at our lips, incomplete. Often, eyes are too pained to smile. 

Cheese is cheesy! Why would you want to cheese yourself into a picture? That is certainly not picture perfect. 

Have you ever noticed how many expressions you are capable of when you are not watching yourself? Its funny how you'd immediately change your expression to a mirror! I am sure you do it! There is no way you'd want to see your puffed up angry face on the mirror. I discovered an expression that my nears and dears must have suffered most entire life with me... a sullen, helpless, angst - I get to name it too! And I was so embarrassed to discover it. And to also discover how smartly I transformed on the mirror, in moments: not even daring to acknowledge my perplexing, annoying, self deprecating, disdainful expression! Who wants to be stuck with people in their lives whose dominant expression is so discouraging. I wouldn't!

So the question is, how to have a perfect pleasant face, a face which need not shy away from the mirror, instead a face which brightens up everyone around, wherever it goes. And I am not talking about a picture perfect smile, I am talking about a forever smile.

Here are 10 things you can do:

1. Practice smiling: My meditation gurus, monks at a monastery in Thailand, taught this: Smile at someone or something... anyone, anything, 10 times a day. And I did. Guess what, I feel supremely confident near strangers now. And you know how strangers often make you self conscious? A big smile can make them so at ease in your presence, they will put you at ease in turn, with their warmth. Wow what a way to meet strangers, isn't it? 

2. Appreciate your face: whatever way you discover it in the mirror today. Just appreciate yourself for whatever you are. Tell yourself, "You are Beautiful, I love you!" My top take-away from one of my soul healers, Louise Hay. I have only ever read her books, but she transformed me. The first thing I learned from her was to say to my image in the mirror, "I love you." You can't imagine how uncomfortable it was in the beginning. Because I did not love myself. I did not! Do you? 

And today, I am so completely comfortable in my own skin, I don't need to keep reminding myself of how much I love myself. Because I have begun to see the world around me, which is so humbling, so beautiful, so diverse, so enthralling, I just don't need my ego anymore. 

3. Make faces at yourself in the mirror. Be an award winning actor to your mirror. You can do whatever you choose, on the stage of your life. Including being the best actor in the story of your life. Can’t you? Well, give it a try. Smile, grin, stare, jeer, shudder, tease, pout, distort... whatever, to just know the range of your emotions. You may want to hate yourself. But you can always say... "You are beautiful and I love you," to those pathetic faces you make to your mirror. Remember the best actors are those who started acting before the mirror first. And isn't all-the-world-a-Stage?!

4. Click your angry face, chances are you will hate that person. You may feel like tearing the pic away or deleting it. But remember that face of pure anger. That is how mean and cruel you are capable of being. So you need not complain when others do the same. Just pity them and ignore them, because you have a tool to check yourself, which others don't. Your forever smile!

5. Ask for candid photographs of yourself. You can ask to be photographed candidly in an event. This will help you to find out how you interact with people. It may open up loads of truth about your personality to you. Trust me, you are the greatest stranger to yourself. You are capable of a lot more than you ever knew you could. Just see yourself from other's eyes. 

Just the other day, I had a prospective client and I told her that she looked perplexed. She immediately smiled her prettiest smile to remove my doubt. I told her I'd click her when she was least expecting. I captured her real face and made her aware of what she was carrying on her face all day long. The face she wore, when she was not looking (at herself in the mirror)! That opened up a path for her to acknowledge her real problems. 

Your face speaks volumes about you when you are not aware. Make those the best dialogues for you.

6. Think of all bad things you have ever done and love yourself for just being you. Yes, you need to accept your meanness, rudeness, jealousy, cruelty, all of it. If you think you are none of it... You don't know yourself. I wish you the strength and self-love to be able to know your darker side. You are a fine specimen of human, totally functional. Unless you are damaged in some way, you can function like all other humans and therefore you can also be awful, in fact you have the right and the license to be awful as much as you have the license to be sweet, mystifying, happy and joyous. Be proud of your self-knowledge of your own baser, darker, uglier side. Because your darkness does not disappear just because you are blind sided to it.

7. Click yourself early in the morning. Early morning, your vigour is totally unparalleled. Click yourself whatever way you are. Look at yourself, what do you look like early in the morning. You may know who you are, what you are seeking and why you are here on this planet. Don't smile for the click just click yourself without fluff.

8. Look out for your funniest photographs in your album and make a collage out of it. Keep all your ugly photos with yourself. You may or may not make a collage of it, but those are the photos which you will love the most when you are much older and life has taught you that it is not about those beautiful moments, but about every single moment, and therefore every single moment is worth cherishing. 

9. Write a letter to yourself, promising to love yourself when you are at your worst, just as much as you would, when you are at your best. Yes please write a love letter to yourself. You know the kind where you tell your beloved how much you love the person, how you are happy even when they vomit, fart burp, cough, scream in pain or bloat! That sort of love letter. Love yourself. Be your own greatest well-wisher.

10. Thank the people around you for tolerating you to the fullest. Now you know how people around you have tolerated you. Don't worry if you are also having to tolerate them. Just go ahead and thank them for being there for you. Thank them for being part of your life. There are just a handful of people who truly matter, try to make your relationships as sweet as you can make them. There is no point in spreading misery in their lives and yours' by starting an ego clash with them, getting hurt by them, judging them, having unreasonable expectations from them, torturing them, allowing them to harm or torture you, not forgiving them, listening to them when you disagree... Don't mess up your handful of relationships. Just love them and 'be yourself' for them. 

Finally enough about you. Do you know that when you train yourself to be pleasant and amiable, when you begin to love yourself, when you are unrelenting in your commitment towards you, who benefits most from it? Everyone! All the people around you flock to you, they can't be without you. People you don't even know start to connect with you.

Next time when you click yourself say CANDID! Just be you. You look good whatever way you are. 

Love you,

Rajat, Your Powerful Choices Coach

I Found a Petticoat in My Husband's Suitcase But He is Not Cheating on Me

Recently my husband was visiting the US... of A. Not just any visit. It was the wedding of his most favourite niece. His sister's daughter. Old and young alike, love her and dote on her. I do too. And naturally the excitement in the family was palpable. 

Indian marriage is loaded with many customs which celebrate the older relationships, as we enter into a new one. Not because we all love each other dearly. In fact most of the family begins to hate each other quite naturally. Human nature, ego and all. But the idea is to accept and celebrate them all, so that the new relationships are not fraught with the memories of the bitterness of the older one. 

This wedding was taking place in the US... of A. Post COVID. And I have a 13 year old who was not yet vaccinated. Even as Djokovic was being deported from Australia, psyched by the images of harrowing US visa process and a high probability of visa denial and also the soaring air fare, my hubby decided to go alone on this arduous journey to the US... of A. For practical reasons of course. He had an active multi entry VISA and my daughter and I did not. Absolutely husbandly behaviour. Especially one who has a struggling entrepreneur for a wife. Spending more than earning. 

He very lovingly asked me what I wanted from the US... of A, and I very lovingly declined the offer stating in the modern Indian nationalistic attitude... We get everything in India! But... I said, I love the clothes you got for me from the US, why don't you get some this time around! And he said, "NO." Very husbandly. In 20 years of marriage, I have learned to take 'NO' from him with a pinch of salt. In short, all went well. 

He carried a huge consignment of things that are found only in India, such as Indian clothes for wedding guests, gift from the bride's family to the wedding guests from different parts of the US... of A. He was a fully loaded cargo when he was dispatched from home. With one promise.... He would get us the 'Settlers of CATAN', a board game that both of us had played in the US at a friend's house and had loved. And of-course this was long overdue, so I did not say I wanted it. What if that changed his mind and he got something totally different?!? You know how husbands and wives tend to be totally disagreeable towards each other with time? A YES from one must be refuted with a NO from the other. That is the rule of the game. And we, me and my hubby are pro at that game. 

Quite satisfied with our interaction, I took a sigh of relief as hubby touched down in the venerated soil of the US... of A. I had my own plans. My sister had driven down from Bombay, solo, all by herself, to be with me, as my daughter's summer holidays had kicked in. And She and I had plans. Serious plans. 

My daughter, my sister and I rocked together for the ten days that she was here, while my husband was busy being our sole representative in a cross-cultural wedding, on the other side of the globe. 

And then my sister left and my hubby arrived, like a warrior returning with his battle loot, in the wee hours of a Sunday. I knew he was here, because my dogs began howling. I ran to open the door in sleepy eyes and there he was. Heavy suitcases and all. Back home. 

He went straight to bed and so did I. I did not bother him the next morning. He woke up finally at 12 pm and joined me for lunch. I had cooked a normal meal and served after a hiatus of 2 weeks. The three girls, my daughter, my sister and I, were too busy to cook normal meals all this while. All went well, besides that, that very day I had discovered something. I had discovered that Vaccination of my daughter was never an issue with us getting a US Visa and I was upset, naturally! 

And then sometime in the evening he opened his suitcase. And right on top of it were 2 petticoats a nightie and a dress that I had discarded and my MIL had taken it for her maid in Ranchi. I wonder how it made its way to the US... of A and back to my home, remains a mystery. But My MIL had offloaded some of the undesirable clothes of hers into my hubby's luggage, in all innocence! Not realising that very angry DIL is waiting to pounce at it with pure derision and decapitating anger. And my poor hubby was right there at the receiving end of that wrath. I used the choicest words to protest the discovery in his suitcase. Specifically my anger was addressed to my US returned discarded dress and the petticoats! What on earth was he thinking? And I noticed him cringing under my senseless wrath. 

My first impulse was to cut holes into those ill fated petticoats and the night dress and to punish my truant discarded US return dress by making it into a pochha (Floor Wipe). But then better senses prevailed and I let go of all of those clothes, but that discarded US return dress, that dress is not getting away. 

I realised that we women owe it to our husbands to be the more modern version of mothers when their older mother is outdated with time and excessive dose of motherly innocence. I am responsible to teach him to know what he should and should not put in his suitcase, if he wishes for a safe transit to and from his familial trips. When you refuse to get a dress for your wife, you better not be carrying your mother's petticoats in your suitcase. That is extra baggage your wife is not going to welcome! 

Fast forward to now, I am devising techniques to repair the broken egos caused by my jealous anger and to get us back to life as usual, very important for my kind of profession. I don't really need to take these little things so seriously. But I am glad I love my husband enough to be hurt by him.

Life is Not Fair, It Is Meaningful

"It's not fair" I hear this so often and its is not always that I can go on with life without feeling it myself and experiencing a jab in my gut. Life I agree is indeed not fair. But I don't know of anyone to whom life is fair. 

One fine day, while I was in a deep philosophical mood, I asked myself, if life isn't fair for everyone, is life deficient? Is life a loser? Is life worth the trouble? Is life even worth living and glorifying? 

Pat came the answer, 'No Way!' Not just any 'no way' in small italics, but a bold loud 'NO WAY' in thick bold font. The kind where you would need to first open your lips in a circle for the 'NO', and then pull it backwards and upwards like a joker for the 'WAY'. 

NO WAY! Life is not about fairness. Life is not a corporate workplace. We do not have a director-of-life. We do not have the VP or CEO of life either. In the act of living, we are all alone! We get feedbacks from the unfairness of life. The feeling of unfairness is like life's fuel indicator. If you find life unfair, maybe you are asking for more from life, much more than what life is willing to give. How about giving? How about giving when you feel that life is unfair?

Giving seems to be a mysterious activity. To begin with, what should you give? Not things, like peanuts, or alms, not even Gold. Give your ears, your eyes and your heart.. Listen, see and feel for others, that is what it takes. Most people will love you and cherish the moments shared with you, if you give just this much. 

Remember, not everyone wants to take what you have to give. Sometimes you may be overtaken by the desire to give, but you may find no one to take. You are probably at the wrong place. There is always someone who needs you. look for them. Don't be disheartened. Giving makes you a bigger and better person. But only if you give without expecting something back in return, not even appreciation.

Remember your teachers in school? You did not appreciate them back then. Not all of them. Not all of the time at least. Today, you probably understand the value of what they gave you, without expecting anything from you, not even regard. It is impossible to be liked by all, but it is possible to give to all. 

5 things you need to know:

1. Give without wanting something in return

2. Take what others give with gratitude

3. Don't take what you don't need, even if it is for free.

4. Don't get disappointed by others’ reaction when you give wholeheartedly

5. Move on, the moment you are done. 

1. Give without wanting something in return:  How can you manifest return? What you give is what you think you are giving, but it is for the recipient to take, in the way they need it. Have you ever said something without any intention to hurt someone, but have ended up confused because someone got hurt? Sometimes your giving may also hurt rather than help. You give what you have, often you may not have enough. But as you give more and more of what you wish to give, you will get more and more of it to give more away. Let go of the outcome! “Giving is not about getting back. It is about having enough that you can share it with others, without wanting a return.”

2. Take what others give with gratitude: Sometimes you may not like what you get. Just take it with gratitude, it's the gratitude that is important not what you got. You may think that someone gave you less than what you deserved or gave nothing. It is never about what they gave. The gratitude is for you to be thankful that there are people around who are willing to give. And you must encourage them even when they do not know how to give. Because the more they will give the more they will get more of what they wish to give. 

3. Don't take what you don't need, even if it is free: I remember returning the buy-one-get-one-free block of ice cream, frequently, because I wanted just one block of ice-cream and not 2. Taking whatever you get for free is a big mistake. Remember accidents also come for free. But the cost of it could be exorbitant. Don’t just take things that come for free. Leave it for someone who really needs it. Or for the giver to realise that they could make a better use of the give away.

4. Don't get disappointed by others’ reaction when you give wholeheartedly: Not everyone can like you and not everyone will ever like you. If the reaction to your giving is not to your satisfaction... you need an exercise in making peace with your ego. What you gave is what you had and maybe it was not enough. It is okay that you made an effort. You need not feel within yourself emotions which you did not intend to feel. 

5. Move on, the moment you are done: Once you have given, don't wait for appreciation or response, just move on, because you have done what you felt like doing, you need not delve into the act any further. Let the past be in the past, no matter how glorious. There is so much to do in life, why delve in things already done?

These are simple lessons of life but they can make a big difference to you if you adapt it and live it. 

Live your life the way it works for you… Make POWERFUL CHOICES and be the boss of your own life. 

With loads of love,

Rajat - Your Powerful Choices Coach. 

Not Everyone Can Be Like You

"Not everyone can be like you," my friend was being really kind to me when she said this... I took over the challenge of doing a Fellowship in Management (FPM) to take my research work in a more organised path. I have been toying with an idea of research for over 8 years now, never really getting any close to the real thing till now. 

Goes without saying that FPM involves deadlines, classes, tests and reports and of course the real research work. This is in addition to my business of coaching and training and my teaching work at an EMBA program. So I kind of have my hands full! but not really so! I have designed all my plans around my convenience. I don't have any external prompts driving my decisions. 

Let me explain how this works... 

1. I am not concerned about the marks I score, not certainly in comparison to my classmates. I'd rather get 100% on all papers, but in case I can't, I accept it as a handicap and try to consider my purpose of joining the course. And that is to complete my research. The marks will do nothing to augment or restrain it. So I am good!

2. I am not concerned with writing the best research paper. Because that is relative. I am concerned with writing a research paper which addresses my reason for taking up my research. And that has to do with uplifting women to a greater social equity. And I measure my results only with the ability to cause it. That objective is clear in my mind.

3. I am not interested in being present in all classes, but I am interested in learning all there is to learn. That keeps me away from the live classes and takes me into the mode of reviewing the recording of the classes with a faster playback speed! 

4. None of my classmates are my competitors. They all have their own purpose for attending the course and I just want to follow my purpose. 

5. My research is related to my work, so basically when I am working on my business, I am also in some way researching!

6. My overbearing passion is one. And that drives my every act. This keeps me levelled and unperturbed with small setbacks. 

In short, I am good... thank you. 

Now the question, why can't others be like me?

Because they worry about results in comparison to others?

Why should they? All my fellow scholars have attained some fantastic successes in their lives. I wonder if they ever recall these successes when they compare!

Because they want to match up?

Why? They can't be matched anymore. And I would have assumed that they have figured this out by now! But somehow our system keeps us away from the truth. 

So now I want to look at what really causes people to compare and to pull themselves backwards unknowingly but most certainly!

The constant comparison: We forget that we are aiming our comparison to a bunch of people who are shoulder to shoulder with us... but there are others, so much more accomplished, that we cannot even think of comparing with them, unless that is, we stopped comparing altogether!

The constant desire for more... there has to be a clarity about what we need more of, often it is just a desire for more, with no clarity of what exactly we need more of. So that takes us into the path of asking for more of everything... more of entertainment, more of food, more of fashion, more of knowledge and more of money. And that becomes a balancing act. There will be areas where we cannot have more of... so we compensate ourselves by saying, 'oh ok so what, I have more of these other things'. The bad news is that we often don't get more of what we need most of! Because obviously there is a higher level of challenge involved with those aspirations! Well that leads to mediocrity and we learn to accept less of everything, while blindly seeking more of everything!

Huh! 

And Double Huh!

The thing is, I wasn't always like that! But the toll that constant comparing took on my sanity, was not worth it. For once I felt like a total failure and for the other, no one was interested in what I was awesome at, because obviously they could not beat me in that! This is a lesson learnt from life! And it is working for me... Don't compare, don't compete.... just go for the real thing... life as it is, for you and for me! 

Divorce

That punctual servant of all world, the sun, had risen, it was a bright Sunday morning. Anuja woke up to her cell phone ringing at her bedside.

"Anuja, how can you be sleeping so late, and that too today. Remember today is my divorce hearing, and I want you to be on my side." 

"Anuja rubbed her eyes and poked Sunil on the other side of the bed. "Wake up Sunil, your friend needs you today, Lisha called me and I am going to meet her in 30 minutes, you don't forget to be with Rahul." Sunil turned over and slept again. 

Anuja got ready quickly, there was no time for breakfast, she decided they can have something to eat on the way. Sunil got up a little later and was getting ready too. 

Though Rahul had not called Sunil but it was understood that he would be beside Rahul in this most difficult day of his life.

Sunil and Anuja decided to take their own cars as there was a chance that the divorcing couple would need to be dropped off or would need a refuge for sometime during the proceedings. 

They agreed to eat at the courthouse breakfast joint, they both had heard about the awesome vada they serve there. They had just begun eating when Lisha joined them. She was hungry too and she ordered vada for herself. Rahul came in silently and took a table two three tables away. He may have seen them with Lisha so he did not join them. 

Sunil surreptitiously moved to Rahul's table after making a quick eye contact with Anuja. Lisha and Anuja kept eating without exchanging any words. 

Anuja felt a pang of deep pain to see how Lisha and Rahul's Divorce was causing a rift between her and Sunil too. They had stopped talking about the two of them some months ago, after realising that their friend's domestic struggle was bringing them apart too. 

But there were times when each of them would have heard something disturbing from Lisha or Rahul and would pass in a jibe to the other. 

"Your friend just dumped Rahul's work clothes out in the rain yesterday." Sunil would say.

"Your friend crashed in on Lisha when she was having lunch with her colleagues and yelled at her for being callous, in front of all her colleagues." Anuja would say.

But they both were slowly realising that their marriage was also hanging on invisible threads, and if they severed too many of them, they would fall apart too. So both of them consciously stopped discussing Lisha and Rahul at home. 

Anuja knew that today was not the day, still she wanted to ask Lisha if she wanted to rethink her decision. The couple had been living apart for a whole year. In this time Anuja and Rahul had tough time deciding who should be called to which party, who should be given refuge in their home from time to time when either of them suffered a breakdown. They were the closest friends of Lisha and Rahul. They were literally like family. 

Anuja said very cautiously, "Lisha, I know now is not the right time. But after today there will be no turning back. Have you made up your mind?"

Lisha looked up at Anuja incredulously, "Is this the time to ask this? You know everything that happened. You know I have cried for days because of Rahul." 

"Yes I know all that. I stuck with you in those times, but that does not mean I agreed to your judgments. I hoped someone would tell you where you were getting it wrong. Someone from your family. But no one intervened and no one understood. I have realised that we were the closest family you had and we were just playing it safe with your both. And I will not be able to forgive myself for not having tried."

'Thank you, Anuja, now you have tried and it has not worked, can we move on?" Lisha snapped. 

"No I have not tried enough. Just give m a moment, I need Sunil here. I need to talk to him." She messaged Sunil on his cell phone. Sunil was so engrossed in listening to his friend, he did not notice, she called him and asked him to check his message. It said, "Sunil I need you to come here."

Sunil glared at Anuja, what was she thinking, leave Rahul alone and go to Lisha? Bet he decided to go anyway. Anuja caught Sunil midway. She said we have got it all wrong. You should be with Lisha and I with Rahul. Let's swap. 

Sunil suddenly realised that there was sense in this, even if Anuja thought it up too late, there is nothing to lose. 

Anuja joined Rahul at his table. "Rahul what is up are you sure you want to do this?" She said without any preamble. 

Rahul was so stressed and restless, he looked up from his cup of black coffee and said nothing. Anuja knew she had the answer. But it was too late now. Lisha and Rahul were divorcing and their closest friends had not been able to reconcile them because they were busy picking an choosing between the two of them. What could be done! 

Suddenly, they heard a commotion from the courthouse and a gunshot. People were running heater skelter. Anuja called Sunil out alarmed, "let us get out of here Sunil." Rahul and Lisha had taken public transport. Sunil did not want to let Anuja go separately, so he suggested that they take his car back and leave Anuja's car at the courthouse. Rahul offered to drive Anuja's car back for her. Sunil said, "Anuja you are coming with me." Lisha was torn between them. She looked at Rahul, Sunil just told things about Rahul, which was not aware of, she was struggling with the information. She said I will come with you Rahul. Rahul said a curt okay. They rushed to get the cars and get out. 

They all reached at the same time. There was a commotion on the streets too, a riot had broken out in the city. Anuja and Sunil did not want Lisha and Rahul to go back to their respective homes alone. They insisted that they stay with them. 

No one knew what would come next but for some time all of them were exactly like they used to be before. Lisha and Rahul decided to stay with Sunil and Anuja for the night. 

They were both together under the same roof after a whole year. They were no more angry but they were heart broken. Anuja and Sunil were exhausted. They knew that the emotional journey they had taken with Lisha and Rahul and last one year was no less tormenting. 

They just did not have the energy to do it anymore. They could have been in grave danger today and everyone was glad they made it safely from the courthouse. 

The next date for divorce hearing would be decided later. Till then there was a status quo. 

"Guys I am not feeling alright," Anuja announced early in the evening, "I am going to sleep." Sunil followed her to check on her. He told Rahul how to get the extra mattress and gave him some clean sheets. He asked Lisha to use the guest bedroom and he retired with Anuja too. 

Somehow Anuja and Sunil were tired of taking Rahul and Lisha's problem as theirs and of separating themselves because of the estranged couple.  They did not offer to make any adjustments for them. They just did not want anymore of it anymore. 

Who knows what is in store during these days of deferment of the court's decision. It was just some days of deferment but it had been worth it. At least that was something, thought Anuja to herself as she dosed off.

Tailgating

No one ever gave me directions like this, Anuja thought as she heard this for the nth time from Sunil, "stay in your lane and maintain the speed limit." Sunil was a thorough back seat driver. He would not spare any opportunity. Anuja seethed with anger when he spoke non-stop as she drove, telling her how to drive.

"Incorrigible Sunil." She muttered under her breath. "But that car behind me is honking, let me take care of this." Said Anuja as she changed the lane. But she was not careful enough, the car in her blind spot honked and as it overtook her, she saw 4 angry faces in the car.

"We could have been killed." Sunil yelled, "what is up with you." Anuja knew that this would be replayed to her every time she drove in Sunil's presence. And that was it.

"What is with you, why are you not listening?" Sunil shouted anxiously, as Anuja kept changing lanes.

"We are being tailgated, that guy appears drunk, but why is he following us? Look...."

Sunil did not let her finish her sentence, he cut in, in an irritated voice, "... it is not possible Anuja, why would he tailgate you. You must be imagining it."

"Just keep watching that black Volkswagen, it is driving very close to us." Anuja pointed on the rear view mirror, sounding quite concerned.

"Why don't you just go to the left lane and let him go?" Sunil said.

"I did, he changes lanes too!" Said Anuja perplexed.

She showed the left indicator, and this time Sunil saw it too. The black Volkswagen changed lanes with them. A chill ran under their skin. They had heard of highway incidents of road rage and drunken driving. Those were very common in their city. This was different. This was a real car chase. It was deliberate and therefore disturbing.

Sunil looked back and tried to peer through the rear screen to see if he could recognise any of the passengers in the car. But he did not. The guy on the driver's seat was a chauffeur, in a uniform. He was not drunk and he was tailgating their car unmistakably.

When they saw Sunil looking back, the car slowed down. It picked up speed again when Sunil turned away. What was going on?

"You keep driving as if nothing has happened Anuja. Let me take care of it." Said Sunil at length.

Anuja heaved a sigh of relief and secretly thanked the tailgater for getting Sunil off her shoulder for a while. She decided she will message her friend later to thank her.

That was her friend's driver. Anuja had asked her to give them a shock just for some fun. And also to get rid of of one particular backseat driver and make him be just a passenger.

"It would not last for ever." Anuja thought, "Sunil will be the back seat driver again, but it had been worth it. At least that was something."

Easy Come and Easy Go

"It is was clear as writing on the wall! how did you not notice it!" exploded the trainer. "You spent two full years training for this event and now you have lost it, just because of some devious moron?" Anna had no answer, rather she did not want to answer. The coach would not have been so vehement if he knew why she blew up her chance, she thought. "If ever there was an opportunity, this was it!  Now you have to wait another two years to get into the national team! Why did you blow it up?"

Anna handed him the note she was clutching in her fist. He opened the crumpled piece of paper. 'I know about you and coach!' Said the crumpled paper! "What option did I have?" Anna said, pointing to the paper!

"You could have denied allegations. She was probably playing you. I told you she is deceitful and arrogant." The coach kept yelling, "I can assure you that and she knows nothing about us. How can she probably? Unless you told her?"

"Why would I tell her about us? I don't even speak with her a single sentence without starting off a fight! She handed this to me because she knew I would not talk to her! And what about you? Did you tell her." Asked Anna accusatively.

"Why would I tell her...!" Said the coach, faltering a little, "I don't make casual conversation with my trainees."

"Well you did with me! So what stops you from doing it with others." Interjected Anna.

"I wonder what you have in mind Anna?" Asked the coach exasperated.

Just then the door opened. "Is she taken care of?" Maria walked in, not realising that Anna was still there. "Ahhh.....," she said, Realising her mistake.

"so you guys are in it together!" Anna yelled. "What have you been up to behind my back?" She shouted at the coach.

"I am taking the side of the champion. Maria is in the national team, how can I not b on her side?"

"Why?" Anna asked eventually.

"Because I lost faith in you. You are too predictable. I needed someone with a bit of a cunning." Responded the coach, as if it was a mere training session.

"And you cheated me? What if I turn out to be cunning? I could have you fired. I just have to report that you seduced me."

"Ha, Ha, Ha, don't joke, you can't harm a fly!" interjected Maria. "I knew something was not quite right Anna, I found out about coach and you just by chance." Maria deviously explained. "I also knew that I wanted the coach on my side. So I played you and it worked! All is well that ends well"

"So that is it. It was merely about the team and you never cared for me?" Asked Anna to the coach.

"I did and I would," said the coach, "but you are gullible. I could break you so easily. And did you think it was true love and all that! I was just having fun. Weren't you taking advantage of me too?"

"Oh yes she was! She was sleeping with the coach and taking all his attention, while we other team members were competing for his attention!" Maria said contemptuously. "Admit it, you played all the wrong cards."

"Oh no, I did not come this far to just be dealt a wrong hand, I will not let you get away with it." Cried Anna.

"Sure you will," replied the coach, "you will find that I have reported to the authorities that you tried to seduce me. At this moment they are preparing your expulsion letter."

"And I will take care of the media, if you do not refrain from this mudslinging!" Added Maria.

It was a room full of self serving individuals getting into murky transactions, which they loosely called success. But Anna, Maria and Coach were just the same people, taking advantage of the situation to become successful. Does it matter who won?

Don't Bother Me Brother

I was on my way to the market and he came from behind me and slapped on my shoulder heavily, frightened I looked back and found it was only my brother. "Leave me alone," I yelled at him. But he never listens to me. He stayed with me through my shopping, tapping lovingly on my head softly sometimes and pulling my hair sometimes. No amount of cautioning stopped him. Brothers can be such a pain in the neck!

I was on my way to work and who do I find whistling at the back seat! Startled at first, but then I recognised him from that peculiar whistling sound. "Are you serious?" I yelled, trying to keep my car in control. "This is not funny, I am on my way to work!" He just laughed, giggled and roared all at the same time, throughly enjoying how he was annoying me. Brothers! I tell you...

I was in a flight and someone pushed me so hard, I almost fell over the passenger next to me. Not my brother again! He was right there. Smiling annoyingly. My brother I tell you does not know when to leave me alone!

I was in a meeting and my phone vibrates, I check the number and instantly know it's my brother. I run to pick it, otherwise that prankster, he will barge into the meeting room with some pretext. I really get pissed off with my brother.

I was sleeping soundly. I was even having a dream, and a loud thud awakes me, that had to be my brother. He does it every night. Every night he re-enacts his falling off from the balcony and dying. His blood ridden body on the hard ground of the driveway. I see it everyday. I never sleep past two a.m. and he is behind me everywhere I go. He believes he is guarding me from something. Perhaps the thing or person who tossed him off the balcony.

I have learnt to sleep early and get enough sleep before the thud. And even though he is annoying, he is my brother. I wish I could tell him, don't bother me brother!

The Unseen

There is a part of the world that remains unseen. Never seen, but they are not unperceived just because they are unseen. Think about it, if you can perceive it and not see it, what would it be? A ghost? Or just a mystery! What is the point in naming the unnamed or unseen?

My antique watch reminds me of one such unseen, the memory of my long gone ancestors. They were gone and mostly forgotten, besides for me and my nearest relatives. They would disappear even from the family memories after a few generations. The problem was that the watch ticked on its own whenever it felt like. And the other problem was that, I could not keep it away from me. If I left it anywhere it just found its way back to me.

For example, I lost it at the pond the other day. And guess what, a corpse surfaced from the pond the next day and on top of it was my watch. The police gave me a hard time, they said circumstantial evidence. I said it is the watch, it keeps coming back to me, no matter what. The police said, they have never heard such a lame excuse. Anyway, lucky for me the corpse was also holding a fistful of hair and it was established they were not mine. The owner of those ugly hair was found with a bald spot on his head and was hanged.

Then there was this train going on the railway track and I got just the idea. I left the watch on the track. And guess what! A dog came running from nowhere, picked the watch and brought it right back to me. And then it wanted a reward for that! I would tie it along with the watch to the railway line but I let go, because I knew it was not the dog's fault. I only tied the dog to the railway track, as a punishment.

Then there was this incident where I dumped my watch in the boiling cauldron of dal, being prepared for a party of 2000. I was sure that by the time it was found, it would be crushed out of recognition. The first cook to put his ladle in the dal, within seconds of me dropping it, fished out the watch intact in his ladle. This time I couldn't do anything. The cook had the advantage over me, I just dropped a stone so hard in the cauldron that the cook was seriously scalded and taken to hospital.

I tried mixer grinder, flour mill, sewage... and that sewage story is really something. I dumped the watch in the sewage only to be awakened by the police, late in the night. They were holding my watch. They said that there was a blockage in someone's outlet and that they found the watch and realised I might have lost it. I took it and said nothing. Just asked them whose sewage pipe it was. I burned the entire house later.

The watch was making me do all this. I did nothing on my own. The watch asked me to do it. It would tick just slightly and tell me who the next victim was. And trust me, I tried really hard not to listen to it. I even threw it away so many times, but someone finds it every time and brings it back to me.

If you ever find my watch, try not to bring it to me.

My Lockdown Angst

Days just kept getting longer, the chores interminable. Seventies in 2020. Missing conveniences I was so used to. Driving down to the grocery store has become a treat. Seeing real people other than family members a rare occurrence. Did we ever imagine that life was so fragile. One particular day, I was in this massive event, meeting hundreds of people, shaking hands with them, hugging them, making small talks with them, connecting with them and then two days later, there was complete lockdown. All public gatherings banned. The corona virus siege on the humankind.

It is the 2020. Today people can easily live a life without setting a foot into the outside world. In-fact some people have even experimented with this and gone on for months on end. Age of the Agoraphobics. You can google the meaning of the word without moving from where you are seated... remember those bulky dictionaries? They are things of the past. On my sofa there is a whole world. At my door step the whole world bows to me. With the press of a few buttons, I can have the furnitures, the electronics, the books, the files the parcels, the groceries, the fresh cooked food, whatever I need. The world is like a video game today.

I took the outside world so for granted, I had no idea that it meant anything to me. I mean I can always blog away my angst against the outside world and gain many cyber sympathies and hope that the targeted person would get the message. We lock our emotions in the digital space. Others, are just playthings. They are hot gossip, ridiculous, inspiring, unbelievable and outrageous on Facebook, WhatsApp, twitter and Instagram. And they are faceless if they are not on the Facebook. If they don't follow us on these they are not our friends,  unless they have a fancy title to go with their names in Linked-in. To this world of strangers, COVID19 did not wreck much havoc. In-fact some of us are so relieved, we don't have to go out everyday to do the same work, which we now do more effectively from the comfort of our homes.

To children, we describe strangers like this: don't rely on them, don't talk to them, stay away from them; don't go near them, don't take chocolates and biscuits for them and don't go anywhere with them, Nothing wrong with it. But then we also need to give them an environment of familiar faces. Youngsters of today feel very secure chatting with their friends on phone and WhatsApp. It is a lot less challenging and a lot easier to break off from the game, in case of dispute.

I feared strangers too. Not just a little, I would break down every time I went out and returned home. Every day. Yet back then, I did not have a choice. As I grew I became comfortable with people and made friends. Even without the fear of strangers, people are still many things, competitors, followers, appreciaters, look downers, haters, conspirers and secret admirers. The risk of being caught in a huff is always there. No one is perfect, not even in their respective roles towards you. They keep switching their position towards you, like shrewd stock market traders. Best solution is to keep a distance. But it was always figurative, never literal. And therefore it is now quite a thing to know that the distance has to be literal.

I am not sure when this will end, but next time when I see strangers, I am going to bless them.

Deja-vu

The scene was all set, the killer would come from behind the stage in a huff, shoot the poisoned needle and disappear. By the time the audience realised it, there would be a corpse on the stage (staged of course) and before they knew it, the show would have captured them in the plot.
The show was a runaway success. Rarely do people get everything so right. The troupe was elated and bonded many times over through the international tours for months together. They began with dating each other within the troupe and then a couple even married during one of their tours to Switzerland.

Slowly the troupe began to look more like a nomadic tribe. They developed their own unique jargons and slangs. A pecking order developed, the director was the tribe priest; everyone listened to him. The male protagonist of the play, was like the tribe chief and the female protagonist had become the troupes muse. The side actors were playing their part without any resistance, Just like it happens in a tribe.

The troupe took one day in the week off and went about completing their personal chores on that day. Usually a weekday, because they performed over the weekends.

Parag the male protagonist drove the troupe's rented car to the market place. Kamal had chosen to remain in the hotel. He parked the car on the street near a shopping complex. The ritual was always the same, Parag and the others would step out of the car and then talk to each other for a while, in clear view of the market, if people recognised them and came to take autographs, even better.

Parag's phone had been ringing as he drove, so he got down first and picked the phone. The troupe was still getting down from the car when Parag dropped dead. The cause of death was determined to be poison. No one had any idea what had happened. This was real. They stood there helpless. The police came and took over the proceedings. Every one said, this was like deja-vu.

Kamal was thoroughly investigated, but there was no evidence that she had played any part in the murder. You don't get finger prints on pins, She maintained that she had no part to play in the killing. She even had strong alibi.

The troupe disbanded after the mishap and the actors went back to their respective lives.

Since there were no evidences, the case of the killing of Parag was closed. Kamal kept mourning Parag's death for years. I wish I was beside him then this happened, I would take the blow on myself she said in press conferences.

 But what business did he have cheating on me? I was his wife and he was unfaithful. I did not have to do much. I had a perfect plan. I had inserted a pin on the hatch of his cellphone flip cover. If he tried to open the hatch, his thumb would come in contact with the poison. And he did fall for it. A play can be enacted in real life.... 

You Win Some and You Win Yet Again

I have Chiku all sorted out, as long as I catch her in the right time. Rana Pratap the famous Chittor King, had about the same sentiments about Akbar’s army, when he planned his guerrilla wars against Akbar’s platoons. Guerrilla wars are warlets, catch them in their weakest moment and vanquish them just for a while. I am one of them, the vanquisher of a moment.

Timing is extremely critical. Here is how:

“Chiku, why are your socks on the stairs? You left your shoes outside the shoe rack (one face down to the north and one face up to the south). Why is your school uniform strewn on the floor? Why haven’t you kept your school bag in your room yet?” The quintessential remonstrance of a mom, thrilled at the return of her kid from school. Some days these war cries are enthusiastic. Other days they are in-effective. On yet other days the warrior in me is stoic and submissive. But Chiku remains the apple of my eyes, regardless of who clears up the mess.

The joy of seeing her run in after school and hug Penny, our dog, and kiss her a hundred times. Even though we have warned her a thousand times, not to kiss the dog. Oh how she plays on the floor with the dog, lying flat, petting her and getting licked by her. Her two lanky ponies, unkempt and dangling, her face dark and sweaty from being in sun, her pinafore slipping off one shoulder; she is cuteness defined. I want to scoop her up and carry her around once again. But I have to settle for dragging her to my lap and planting a few kisses while she squirms, before she tears herself off and rushes off to her room.

Though her room appears to be a perennial battle field, her belongings engaged in constant Armageddon on her desk, on the floor and over the bed. But that is just a disguise. In truth this is her sanctum sanctorum, her favourite place in the world. Chiku is at home only once she enters this room. 

And soon the afternoon rituals begin.

“I want the iPad!” Chiku explodes.

“No iPad today!” I counter explode.

“Just Half an hour.” Chiku entreats.

“No,” I retort sharply.

“Please!” she pleads.

“No,” Sharper now yet I am melting inside.

“Okay then your phone.” She changes track, to my relief.

“I am using it!” I respond flatly.

“Please!” Chiku entreats yet again.

“No,” I howl, between whatever it is, she is disturbing. “Don’t snatch it from meeeee,”

“Please, please, please!” She plays her trump card, the cute begging look and all.

“No.” I harp and go back to work.

“I don’t want rice and dal today,” She is now at the table and making annoyed protests.

“But you did not have it yesterday either,” I reason.

“No,” She declares with the build-up for a skirmishy cry. “How about rice and curd and jiggery?” She suggests in between the pitter-patter of sniffs.

“No! You can’t have sweet stuff now,” I counter.

“Uuuuunnnnn,” whining aimlessly, fretting and not listening.

Not that whining again. I am quite melted already with all that No, No and No of the afternoon. “Okay have your way, but only today.” I finally surrender.

A bright smile is followed by a, “thank you.” Chiku effortlessly morphs into her cute avatar. Till the next demand, disagreement or discomfort or whatever triggers the next tantrum.

I was caught unawares. When I undertook this journey as a mother no one told me much. No one suggested to exercise my vocal cord to become a mother, Lamaze is all they ever talked about: puff, puff, puff, take deep breaths and push the head out! And then what that head does after emerging was kept a secret! No one suggested regular yoga and meditation to hold peace through the battlefield of mothering, oh no. No one told me you had to be good negotiator to be a mom. No one told me you had to be a social scientist to be a cool mom. No one told me to be a warrior to become an effective mom. I just discovered these things on my own! And I dare say I am barely managing.

Oh how I'd love to leave my daughter alone to live as she pleases! But she is a kid and this is not how it works. If kids were left alone to deal with life, this is how they would live probably- Wake up play, play some more, don't eat, play, play, play and play and then don’t sleep just play. At least this is what mothers think their respective kids would do, myself included. Though the kids have surprised us often, but surprises are called so because they are scarce.

In the ten years that I have been a mother, I think I have chosen my battles well. I have made the choice to speak or not to speak, to whack or not to whack, to punish or not to punish, to protect or to let her fight her fights, to reprimand or to ignore her faults, to lie or not to lie to her. And I have been quite content with the outcome.

And truly, the war is not over, it is never over. Later in the evening, no lessons learned from the afternoon, I begin all over again:

“Chiku have your dinner,” I insist, “it is getting late.”

No answer.

“Chiku quick I am losing my temper.” I fume.

“But I will finish what I am doing before I go.” Chiku finally answers nonchalantly.

I try the tough tone repeating myself all over again.

Nothing! Just silent denial.

“Chiku I am really happy you are doing this interesting thing,” I change tracks, “but food needs to be eaten on time.”

Bingo! I have her attention. Or so it appears. But I can’t hide the whole truth from the readers. Sorry no, there is no real victory in parenting! Chiku still completes her work before she eats.

She seems to know exactly how I can win the war without really winning any of the battles. She just displayed her grit, determination, focus and fearless pursuit of her goal, all over again. Didn't I truly wish for that! 

You win some and you lose some. But in the parent kid battle you win even when you lose. Keeping up the fight is more important than winning the fights! Hush listen carefully! Did I hear the great Rana Pratap, the great proponent of Guerrilla warfare, cheer for me?