Rupa loved to look far away at the horizon from her perch at the 22nd
floor of her home at a luxury apartment building, which was the tallest
building in the area. She felt that, the point where the earth meets sky is the
answer to everything. If you are tall enough to touch the sky you have
everything in the world, she thought. It was not achievable in truth,
but then from her vantage point she felt she was closest to sky. She thought
she was Rapunzel sometimes, any moment, a witch would call out
to her to lower her hair. But she had short hair, so the witch would have to
use the elevator. Besides there were no witches in her home, it was just her
family and her dreams. Two different individuals she always felt. One inhabited
her in the evenings and early mornings and only once they had left for work and
school, she was inhabited by her dreams.
In her fifteen years of marriage, She was happy to be a loving and
caring wife and happy to be a mother of two children who were now 13 and 11
years of age. She was happy with whatever deal she stuck in her life.
"I want a home maker to make my home happy." She remembered,
those were the first words that Amit had spoken to her, as she sat opposite him
in her father's home, dressed, not totally decked-up yet with a lot of effort,
to meet him, her prospective groom and his family, for the first time. Rupa was
an average student. She smiled at those words, Amit took it
for an affirmative. She did not imagine she would ever have a passion
that would pursue her and engulf her to sickening degree. She thought
that was all too well for her, to be a home maker. She liked the proposal, the
guy, the family, everything. But just a small part of her, just one tiny bit of
her, was revolted by this opening sentence of their first meeting! Are
you looking for a 'home maker' or a 'house maid' who offers other personal
services…? She forgave Amit for that mis-statement, understanding that men
like Amit are brought up with limited vocabulary and limited desires.
She was limited too, in her choices. She had been brought up a chaste
Indian girl, with just one objective, she had to marry one day and that's that.
She realised early in school that, she would not be one to carve a path for
herself, by her academic feat... So she was fine with this arrangement. She did
not consent, but she did not know how to answer to this direct insult and yet
save this proposed relationship, which she had no real problem with. She could
not be picky, could she?
She looked back at her life... As she was growing up, her mother's
endless bantering over what she should and should not be doing in sasural (in-laws
home), while she helped her mother in home and kitchen work… It acted as an
internship, to prepare her for the inevitable appointment at sasural.
And it was all very well. Rupa wanted nothing more than a life that her parents
had conjured for her. But she did not understand this nagging desire in her...
She shut it up and kept doing what she was doing...
Oh but there was more to her. She loved to stitch clothes. She loved to
design her outfits. She loved to design outfits for her friends and neighbours.
So much so, that the first gift that Amit ever gave to Rupa, was a sewing
machine. For her first birthday after marriage. Amit was a reasonable man and
they almost had a relationship of love, trust, affection and understanding,
just like any married couple does. After she became a mom, Rupa stitched
clothes for her little ones and the little ones of her friends and neighbours.
Everyone who wanted some help with outfit, would come to Rupa for help. Her
husband's colleagues also knew about this unique skill and kept making request
for something stitched by her which, she proudly fulfilled.
It still came as a surprise to her, when her friend asked her why she
did not think of starting a tailoring business.
"No," she said, point blank, "where is the
time!"
"But this is all you do..." reasoned her friend... "You
could as well establish your own shop..."
"Yes," thought Rupa, "this is all I do... Yes I can be an
entrepreneur."
"Establish a shop? Do you have any idea what setting up a shop
takes? It won’t be possible for you to do it," her husband was yelling at
her..." Rupa stood stunned listening to him. "No you will not do all
this. I told you I wanted a home maker, and that has not changed."
"But," she
wanted to say, "I never told you I wanted a lover... I never told you I
wanted you to be able to listen to me... I never told you I wanted a partner
not a manager of my life...."
This was all very confusing for Rupa. One part of her wanted to give it
all up altogether. She was after all living a happy luxurious life.
“What is luxury?” She had asked the
property dealer when she called to check about this flat of hers that was then
under construction. They ended up buying the flat. Rupa still wondered, what is luxury? One part of her wanted
her dream to become a reality. She was imagining herself sitting in her own
tailoring studio. She wanted it! She had even thought up a name... 'Horizon' because
there she knew everything becomes one, two disparate people seem together and
happy from a distance. It is only when you come up-close that you know the
truth. Rupa knew how to phase out and look at her life at the horizon. Strung
together and happy.
She had a close group of friends, who had started her off on tailoring
assignments. Rupa had saved up all her earnings from this secret business of
her's, what pains she had taken to complete each assignment as fast as she
could, so she did not have large bundles of clothes at home, raising her
husband's suspicion. Sometimes even leaving the clothes, received for
stitching, at friend’s homes, for safe keeping. "I don't have enough
storage space at home, it will get soiled," she would say untruthfully,
more for her own satisfaction. Her friends knew why... They knew it exactly,
weren't they her conduits?
And now a big opportunity was knocking at her door. A neighbour who was
running a boutique, right next to her apartment complex, was moving from the
city and wanted to offer the space to Rupa on rent. All of the boutique's her
existing customers would be retained, provided Rupa did a good job! And
there was no doubt she would.
But that one sentence, the very first that Amit ever spoke to her in
private, held her feet like thick chains, like the ones that hold back the
elephants! Many times she fantasized it was behind their back, she thought she
had done enough for him to let him know she
was more than just his fantasy of a wife. She thought, the two children she
was raising were proof enough to show to Amit that it was not just a contract
anymore, there marriage was all about love, affection, intimacy, attachment and
warmth. For him to realise that these emotions were much stronger than
surrender, succumbing, sacrifice and all those other meeker cousins of love.
But Amit in some ways was still held up in those first few minutes. He did not
want Rupa to get into any business. No matter what. That was the contract he
felt he was entitled to uphold! He had chosen her profile before he chose her.
It was totally a job offer, no more than that!
Rupa could do it... She could rent the boutique… She had the money she
had saved from her secret tailoring job...
Something gave Rupa a push, she was not herself anymore, not the way she
had known herself to be, giving in to that constant chattering in her mind was
not something she had imagine she would ever do. Let me give it a try at-least,
she said to herself... She confirmed to the neighbour that she was taking the
deal... She got into this secretive deal for the boutique without informing
Amit... She already knew his answer in case she asked... And there she was, in
her boutique, from the moment he left for work, to the time children returned
from school, and then from the moment they went out to play to the point when
they came back home. But this was not going to last long... Amit came home
early one day and found her with a client in her boutique. Without a word, he
went straight home, he waited for her to come back.
She decided to put as much time between them as possible. She chose to
go back home very late. He was waiting for her. The moment she walked in, all
hell broke loose. Did she care that he had been at home for hours now and was
hungry? Did she care for her children's home-works? Did she care for what she
meant to him? Did she care how he was hurt? She kept calm... She had made up
her mind... She said, "I want a
supportive husband' did I tell you this when we met the first time? Well over
the years this is what I have missed. You did not ask, I thought you
understood. I will leave it to you to decide how you want to go about with
this. Support me or take an amicable decision. I know I am not wrong."
Would there be a rephrased contract in their lives... or would
they finally dissolve the needless petty contract and consummate their marriage,
once and for all? It really does not matter, for there are just too many Rupas
and Amits... any end is good enough, now that Rupa has herself by her
side.
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