Every home that has kids, or shall I say
every nest, needs a caring hand. A member of the family who holds their little
hands and shows them the path, to the toilet, to the play park, to the
playroom, to the dining table, to the bed, to the aquarium, museum, library,
swimming pool, hobby classes, to the school and back every day, to safety, to
happiness, to the world…
I have felt many times, that the life that
I carried inside of me for nine months, is now an irreducible part of me, I can
still feel it inside me. I am no more a bountiful individual, the one who
thought of scaling the Himalayas, rock climbing, para-gliding, bungee jumping,
dirt biking, white water rafting... all creative ways of putting life to
danger. I now think of living, so I can spend more time with that little
innocent life, which lives just as much inside of me, as it lives outside of
me.
It is not as if, we gave birth and our job
was done. No... We all know that bit very well. Yet, so many times, I have been
truly amazed by a superwoman at my work place or in those glossy reputed
magazines, someone with a meteoric career and I, leaping with anticipation,
have turned the leaves in the books of their lives, to find their secret of
success... And every time I have seen the story repeat. How? Successful in
career... and never married, ...and no children, ...and husband took care of
children, ...and parents took care of children, ... and... in rare cases...
children were not well taken care of... their achievements later in the life
speak for itself, It is unmistakably one of these... over and over, I am totally disillusioned.
I don't know whether there is some breed
of women called feminist... I strongly suspect that there are none... just like
you can't breed butter chicken! No mother would,
unless she had a reason, leave her child in unmatched environment, from the one
she enjoys on a day-to-day basis, on a physical, mental and emotional
level.
Every
home has that back seat right inside the kid's nursery, who is
sitting in yours?
I tried... With purportedly the best day-care
in the city... oh but the location was all wrong, bang on a busy street. The
two years she spent there was fraught with allergies and bronchitis. I just had
to put an end to it. I tried with an amazing nanny, who has been with us since
my daughter was three months old, who is still with us, and who cares for my
daughter with utmost dedication. She took care of her for three years after we
left the day-care for good. She got the nanny's love, but she was missing the
love of a kin. I realised she had developed uncontrollable aggression. And then
I tried the inevitable, a break from work, and the
popular-work-life-balance-mom to my colleagues, became a full-time-mom,
at-least for some time. And voila! She was the most docile child within weeks.
The vacant back seat of my house was paining my daughter and was making her all
shades of unhappy! I pulled up that empty back seat in my daughter's play room
for myself.
It took me some time to realise that the
world is not made of just careers, it is made up of choices actually... silly
me. The whole concept of SAHM and Working Mom is a sham, there is a SAHM in
every home, either a grand-mom or the mom or a grand-dad or the dad...
My neighbour, like me, continued with her
career after she had her kid. In her case the difference was that, her son was
being cared for by his Nani (maternal grand-mom). One day when I saw the
grand-mom watching over the kid as he played, I went up to her to compliment
her for how she was helping her daughter in her pursuit. I was surprised that,
rather than thank me, she began to explain, how exceedingly difficult it was
becoming for her to manage the growing child, who was now four. She had managed
him since birth. I understood that she wanted someone to talk to, so I listened
to her...
It is frustrating sometimes to be in the
company of a kid all day long. They want attention, they don't understand that
people need to rest, to take a break, to go to the loo, to be by themselves.
They need tender care and attention every waking hour, it exhausts us. So does
our day job, the meetings, the projects, the conference calls. Difference is,
we get appreciated for it, we get paid for it, and we get bonus and promotions
for it. But as parents we are already elevated to the highest possible position
in our kid's lives. There are no further appraisals, bonuses and hikes from
there on. I find one part of me, the logical one explaining this to this
ambitious me... Let’s be logical, if every parent on the planet was working,
how would we raise our kids? Who would diaper them, and hug them, and reassure
them, and sing to them, and build their strength, and correct them, and teach
them new skills? Who will stay by their beds when they are sick?
Jack Welch in his book 'Winning' says,
'there is no work life balance, there is either work or life...' (Not an exact
quote) one chooses between the two. There are many calibrations in between the
two extremes, but let’s face it, we can tell at work, our child needs us today.
We cannot tell our children, our employment needs us today! You know all those
messy days, when there was something so seemingly urgent at work and the nanny
didn't turn up or the child was not well. Balancing between the Barbie dolls or
GI Joe and your laptop, a lot of you have nightmares of the work suffocating
you with its arms wrapped around your throat and getting tighter, while you
lunge to catch your child from falling off the coffee table, even as the
noose gets tighter. Either the noose will
kill you or the child's pain from falling, which you just cannot bear... you
are a turkey!
Some of us have chosen a different SAHM
for our kids and its working fine... as long as it works... but there is no
sense in seeing it as a permanent solution to parenting... at most it is an
adjustment. It is not worth grudging another person's position. We must not
forget to clap for those who have it all, and not forget the clap for those who
do it all, under each tree there is a shade equally cool and reassuring. A
disillusioned mom like me would say... to each his own!
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