Its' Okay to Cry

My 7 year old had come back from play crying, within minutes of going out, she had been a bit unreasonable and her dad had grounded her for the evening. She could not bear the thought that, playtime had just begun and she would not get any of it that day. Added to the fact that we had returned from a three week vacation, just three days back and this was only the second day, that she had gone out to play since our return.

I heard the whole story and felt she did need to learn a lesson, but she kept crying inconsolably. I feigned disinterest in the matter, leaving her dad to deal with it. I thought that a short while alone in her room, would appease her and then we could play some indoor game, it usually works with her.

For a few minutes I forgot all about it, when my friend called to chat up with me. She was whimpering now and I was sure she would be quiet and 'talkable' any moment. Only to be drawn back to the bummer with her cry getting louder and louder, to draw my attention ofcourse... by now I was quite sure that a grounding would not teach her any lesson today. I strongly believe that, consequences should be given with the child's understanding and consent, and it is certainly to be 'handled with care'. I realised that this was no time for playing the mute spectator, in a matter that concerned daddy and beti. Instead it was time for me to play the mediator, the tailor bird, if you will. She was upset with her dad and vice-versa. This was an "abra kadabra moment..." when mom comes into action and plays magical tricks.

I excused myself from the call and went straight to the little one...I call her 'chiku' lovingly, besides many other other cute and adorable pet names I have for her. I offered her an option for a truce.

"don't play with friends chiku, lets just three of us go out for a walk." I offered.

"But I want to play with my friends," she yelled.

"But you do agree that, what you did was not right?" I asked calmly.

"But I forgot that is why...," she tried to rationalise.

"But you agreed to it some time back, didn't you?" I rebutted, gently but firmly.

"But I want to play with my friends." She persisted.

"Lets first go out... and you stop crying." I offered helpfully, with a glass of water.

She agreed and so did my husband. Once out, she kept her distance from her dad and she told me again and again that, she was sure he will not allow her to go and play with her friends that day.

'Be positive." I said. I had made up my mind to persuade hubby to let her go play. Because this whole experience was very distressing for her and she would only resent it for long, that was not going to help.

So I raced her..."catch me." I shouted and ran off, she chased me, and she is indeed a fast runner, she caught up with me and then raced me a bit. We were quite far from her dad, who was approaching us at a slow pace, he is always amused at our 'catch me' games, so we chatted as we sauntered...

"Do you think crying will help?" I asked, as she was again building up tears in her already puffed up eyes.

"But I know papa will not let me play." she retorted.

"How will crying change that?" I quizzed.

"But I am sad Mamma." she replied quite simply.

"But even when you are sad you can smile, can't you?" I debated.

"Why?" She asked quite surprised.

"Because when you are crying, you cannot think or solve your problem." I explained.

"Should we not cry Mamma?" She asked...

That is when I realised, that we were not totally on the same page, in this conversation. I did wish she would stop crying, but it was not my intention to make her think that, she is wrong in crying when she feels sad. 

"Crying and feeling sad is not bad." I corrected myself.

"Then we can cry?" She asked, relieved a little, but quite puzzled at my sudden change in stance.

"Yes, you can, but when you are crying, you cannot solve the problem. You need to wait till you stop crying and then solve your problem." I explained, now desperately trying to make sense to her.

"But I know Papa will not let me go to play with my friend, what is the point in trying to solve this problem." She responded, lugubrious and at the verge of tears by the end of her sentence.

"Why don't you try being hopeful and ask Papa." I suggested, honestly feeling a sigh of relief, that this discussion was coming to an end, for the moment. I quickly signaled my husband, who had caught up with us by now, to permit her to play if she asked.

"Papa...I want to go play with my friend." She said in a small voice, with little hope, some fear and a gnawing anticipated disappointment.

"Okay..but come back in half an hour." He said, much to my relief and to her disbelief.

"Didn't I tell you," I reinforced, "If you are hopeful, you can solve your problem!"

She was now smiling and was her normal chirpy self already. "Yes Mamma." She agreed... and ran off towards her friend's house, without further ado.

The questions of "should we cry or not," lingered in my mind. Should we or should we not... Where is the question of 'should'? We don't wish for the tears, they just come. They are part of us, just as much as the tongue, the eyes, the skin and also as much as the breath.

Let me put this question to you... Is crying bad?

I think that... our feelings, whatever they are, protect us, when we know how to control them. They harm us when we can't control them. Children are not old enough to control these emotions, but understand their helplessness vis a vis these uncontrollable occurrences... angry tantrums, tearful eyes, restlessness, banging up doors, even inexplicable sadness...

No, sadness is not bad, nor are tears, or even anger. The sooner we teach our children to connect with these feelings, the sooner they will learn to tackle them. I believe that, all feelings - happiness, sadness, excitement, affection, jealousy, greed, guilt, disgust, anticipation, apprehension, anxiety... they are all part of the personality. If they learn that now, they will gladly tackle them and make them their friends. It is disconcerting for parents to handle their children's anger, meanness, selfishness, dislike, contempt, sadness, guilt and such other feelings, which do not seem very positive. It is equally disconcerting for parents to handle their own mood swings. No matter how daunting the task, rather than to let our kids just find out, on their own, the ugly feelings growing within them, and for them to detest it, we must assist them to make peace with them. Does anyone know a person who is complete without them all...?