My little girl chatters all day at home... with us, with her friends, with her nanny. Sometimes she even calls a friend's parent to check if her friend can have extra playtime with her. There is no inhibition or lack of communication when she is conversing with family, friends or close acquaintance. Bring her in the presence of strangers, she clams up. Take her to an unfamiliar surrounding and all you hear are whispers. I have tried asking her why, she avoids responding. The fact is, she does not know the answer to it, herself.
Last year when she appeared for an admission interview in a school, she refused to answer any questions asked by her school principal. She just kept quiet... we thought up all drastic consequences on our way back from school. We asked her why she did not speak? After some persuasion she said, "don't you always tell me not to talk to strangers?" I underwent a feeling of deja-vu... haven't we seen this repeated in that famous Lays Chips advertisement? To cut the long story short, she did get the admission!
We often complain that our kids do not express themselves well enough. We keep entreating them to speak up, we even use consequences sometimes, to try to make them speak. I began wondering why are some children less verbose than others? Is that a problem? What are the solutions?
For once I realised that kids who speak less are extremely observant. They are the ones who know their friends' likes and dislikes, very well. They know how to deal with difficult people. Quite often they are loved by their teachers, even the most demanding ones. This is because of the sophisticated social skill that they are developing, by keeping quiet and observing. They know and believe in the maxim, "Words can kill". And they practice it. You will find these children getting hurt by casual remarks, because they are careful with the words they choose, They expect the same of others. They are not old enough to understand different personality types as yet.
Speech is an expression of thoughts and feelings. But all of us adults know that most of those thoughts are expressed not in words... children know that too. Because the very first communication of a child is non verbal, with cries. So a lot of times, kids become avid observer of expressions, as they are smart enough to already know that "it is the expression that counts".
How then do we make these sophisticated individuals to speak? Specially if they choose not to? Definitely not by asking them to speak. First step is to ensure that they are not quiet out of fear caused by some personal trauma. Because that may need professional help. But if being quiet is just a personality type of the child, then it has to be dealt with more inclusively. I.e. accept it. I feel we must trust the child to know what is right for her.
But there is a lot that can be done other than directly pushing the child to converse. One path we can take is to make them more aware of expressions. Let them know what these expressions and feelings are and what they look like. Let them connect with their own feelings and expressions. Chances are that very soon they will identify peoples traits faster and therefore will be able to strike conversations with strangers much sooner than they did before.
Another activity that can help, is to make the child aware of the non verbal communication. This way she will know that even when she is not speaking, she is communicating. As a result she would know how best to use her non verbal skills. Because no matter how verbose we are, it is the non verbal skill that really speaks first. It is the first impression and the lasting one too.
Children are experimenting with their environment in their own unique ways. We can speed up their experimentation by providing them with the right tools, they may choose to use them, they may even choose not to use them at all. Whatever the outcome of our efforts, we cannot restrict their experimentation and still hope for them to grow up into confident, unique adults.
Last year when she appeared for an admission interview in a school, she refused to answer any questions asked by her school principal. She just kept quiet... we thought up all drastic consequences on our way back from school. We asked her why she did not speak? After some persuasion she said, "don't you always tell me not to talk to strangers?" I underwent a feeling of deja-vu... haven't we seen this repeated in that famous Lays Chips advertisement? To cut the long story short, she did get the admission!
We often complain that our kids do not express themselves well enough. We keep entreating them to speak up, we even use consequences sometimes, to try to make them speak. I began wondering why are some children less verbose than others? Is that a problem? What are the solutions?
For once I realised that kids who speak less are extremely observant. They are the ones who know their friends' likes and dislikes, very well. They know how to deal with difficult people. Quite often they are loved by their teachers, even the most demanding ones. This is because of the sophisticated social skill that they are developing, by keeping quiet and observing. They know and believe in the maxim, "Words can kill". And they practice it. You will find these children getting hurt by casual remarks, because they are careful with the words they choose, They expect the same of others. They are not old enough to understand different personality types as yet.
Speech is an expression of thoughts and feelings. But all of us adults know that most of those thoughts are expressed not in words... children know that too. Because the very first communication of a child is non verbal, with cries. So a lot of times, kids become avid observer of expressions, as they are smart enough to already know that "it is the expression that counts".
How then do we make these sophisticated individuals to speak? Specially if they choose not to? Definitely not by asking them to speak. First step is to ensure that they are not quiet out of fear caused by some personal trauma. Because that may need professional help. But if being quiet is just a personality type of the child, then it has to be dealt with more inclusively. I.e. accept it. I feel we must trust the child to know what is right for her.
But there is a lot that can be done other than directly pushing the child to converse. One path we can take is to make them more aware of expressions. Let them know what these expressions and feelings are and what they look like. Let them connect with their own feelings and expressions. Chances are that very soon they will identify peoples traits faster and therefore will be able to strike conversations with strangers much sooner than they did before.
Another activity that can help, is to make the child aware of the non verbal communication. This way she will know that even when she is not speaking, she is communicating. As a result she would know how best to use her non verbal skills. Because no matter how verbose we are, it is the non verbal skill that really speaks first. It is the first impression and the lasting one too.
Children are experimenting with their environment in their own unique ways. We can speed up their experimentation by providing them with the right tools, they may choose to use them, they may even choose not to use them at all. Whatever the outcome of our efforts, we cannot restrict their experimentation and still hope for them to grow up into confident, unique adults.
