Don't we each have someone that we hate? Someone that we don't like so much? Someone that annoys? Someone that hurts? Someone that harms? Someone that gossips? Someone that patronises? Someone that ignores? Maybe, one of each kind, if not more!
It seems like a lot to handle. A lot of trouble. A lot of memory space occupied to remember each unique digression, so as to treat each as they deserve. My latest pet peeve is a family member who omitted to acknowledge me at her daughter's wedding. In fact she simply did not speak to me about the upcoming and now solemnised wedding.
I am ranting quite self righteously and complaining incessantly about it. I am hurt. And I want to tell her how hurt. I want to tell her a million things, hurtful, emotional, insensitive, whatever comes, I want her to know.
The amount of space it is taking in my mind is significant. And so I decided, forgive her. What is the point? It was her daughter's wedding, big day - for HER and it was her's to enjoy, to include or not, to boast, to brag, to impress, to fuss over and to make memories. Make memories with people in HER life. She failed me. It's her loss maybe. Or not.
For me to be uncharitable to her is only making ME the victim. Which I am not. What was my role in the entire process? Her daughter decided it was time to get married, she conducted the wedding ceremony. Where do I picture in this? As a matter of fact nothing changed for me. I was busy with my own multiple complexities of livingry before and I am busy with the same now. For most of us invitees weddings are just a flash in the pan. Also many many many calories added which we can easily do without. I must actually empathise with her. Who knows what deep rooted apathy led her to exclude me. What unhappy experience made her to be so hardened. At a time when she could be her authentic best and celebrate. But most of all, I must not waste my precious time over someone else's problem.
I debated internally over the right thing to do:
a. Talk to her. Tell her that I am hurt. Give her a chance to atone. Finally let go of it.
b. Completely ignore the incident. Not my business!
c. Take it out on her, when opportunity shows up for me to, well, take-it-out-on-her!
What would be the best course of action? a, b or c?
When I look at it this way, it is obviously a. Was a. your answer? Or even b., Did you choose b.? Certainly not c. it is such a no brainer.
If only wisdom remained our true virtue. There is a person inside of me, who is seething with anger, the person who wants to react, the person who wants an eye for an eye, the person who is blinded with rage. What would be the best way to manage her? That person who is my ego. That person who likes to react and say, 'I don't care for the outcome.' That person who leaves destruction behind, for my saner self to navigate my way out. And that person who many times puts me into the quagmire from where there seems no outlet to my calmer, wiser self. She is also my favourite person, please note. She comes with a childish fervour. She knows exactly how to make me feel young and energetic in the moment of rage and destruction. To act invincible and just fade away. Its glorious to follow her into the deepest depth of despair, rather than to just do nothing. My vengefulness therefore is unyielding. I will get solace only when I hurt her back.
There is one more thing to consider, and it is really important to consider this. Every time, that I have hurt someone back, I have never received confirmation of the pain inflicted on them. I am never able to ascertain whether they really felt it, like I had felt. I can't just email to them and say, "please confirm the pain I inflicted on you, on the scale of 1 to 10, one being least and 10 being most painful. How much were you hurt?" And a follow up question, "If your answer to the above is less than or equal to 5, please clarify how I can hurt you at 6 or higher?" I can't send such a mail!
So no matter how much I may want my vendetta, it is never complete. With no way of knowing how much I hurt them, I remain dissatisfied even after inflicting the pain. It is not even satisfying to hurt other people! They remain inscrutable in their actions and reactions. If life was a movie, we could have flashed back and forward and got clarity over the real outcome of my act of vengeance to be portrayed with apt background track and discernible emotional outbursts. But life is not a movie. There is no plot being played and there is no means of looking into and feeling what others see or feel. This is a zero sum game, a never-ending one at that. It is a constant cycle of hurting, harming, insinuating, insulting, injuring and more, with no real, visible and final, satisfactory outcome. And if I become so dogged in my vengeance, I would only become a career avenger! Nothing more. Not the Avenger as in the movie. But Avenger who only avenges and does nothing but avenge. A life wasted in doling out to people whatever I may wish to believe is their due! But I look into the mirror and realise this instantly: I am not God!
Wouldn't it be better if I just forgave, forgot and moved on? Wow how divine it sounds. Yet it takes the heart the size of an elephant's to do that. Look, I have not seen an elephant's heart, it is probably quite big, proportionate to the size of the animal, which is, you know, big. It is logical to forgive and forget, but sounds impossible.
Every sinew, every single muscle struggles to hold me back. Every bit of me is ready to Wage a battle to nothing and nowhere. And yes, sanity has a way of coercing insanity into restrained silence. Ridicule. Along with reason, observe the ridiculousness of the situation, and that pretty much dissolves the anger!
