I Found a Petticoat in My Husband's Suitcase But He is Not Cheating on Me

Recently my husband was visiting the US... of A. Not just any visit. It was the wedding of his most favourite niece. His sister's daughter. Old and young alike, love her and dote on her. I do too. And naturally the excitement in the family was palpable. 

Indian marriage is loaded with many customs which celebrate the older relationships, as we enter into a new one. Not because we all love each other dearly. In fact most of the family begins to hate each other quite naturally. Human nature, ego and all. But the idea is to accept and celebrate them all, so that the new relationships are not fraught with the memories of the bitterness of the older one. 

This wedding was taking place in the US... of A. Post COVID. And I have a 13 year old who was not yet vaccinated. Even as Djokovic was being deported from Australia, psyched by the images of harrowing US visa process and a high probability of visa denial and also the soaring air fare, my hubby decided to go alone on this arduous journey to the US... of A. For practical reasons of course. He had an active multi entry VISA and my daughter and I did not. Absolutely husbandly behaviour. Especially one who has a struggling entrepreneur for a wife. Spending more than earning. 

He very lovingly asked me what I wanted from the US... of A, and I very lovingly declined the offer stating in the modern Indian nationalistic attitude... We get everything in India! But... I said, I love the clothes you got for me from the US, why don't you get some this time around! And he said, "NO." Very husbandly. In 20 years of marriage, I have learned to take 'NO' from him with a pinch of salt. In short, all went well. 

He carried a huge consignment of things that are found only in India, such as Indian clothes for wedding guests, gift from the bride's family to the wedding guests from different parts of the US... of A. He was a fully loaded cargo when he was dispatched from home. With one promise.... He would get us the 'Settlers of CATAN', a board game that both of us had played in the US at a friend's house and had loved. And of-course this was long overdue, so I did not say I wanted it. What if that changed his mind and he got something totally different?!? You know how husbands and wives tend to be totally disagreeable towards each other with time? A YES from one must be refuted with a NO from the other. That is the rule of the game. And we, me and my hubby are pro at that game. 

Quite satisfied with our interaction, I took a sigh of relief as hubby touched down in the venerated soil of the US... of A. I had my own plans. My sister had driven down from Bombay, solo, all by herself, to be with me, as my daughter's summer holidays had kicked in. And She and I had plans. Serious plans. 

My daughter, my sister and I rocked together for the ten days that she was here, while my husband was busy being our sole representative in a cross-cultural wedding, on the other side of the globe. 

And then my sister left and my hubby arrived, like a warrior returning with his battle loot, in the wee hours of a Sunday. I knew he was here, because my dogs began howling. I ran to open the door in sleepy eyes and there he was. Heavy suitcases and all. Back home. 

He went straight to bed and so did I. I did not bother him the next morning. He woke up finally at 12 pm and joined me for lunch. I had cooked a normal meal and served after a hiatus of 2 weeks. The three girls, my daughter, my sister and I, were too busy to cook normal meals all this while. All went well, besides that, that very day I had discovered something. I had discovered that Vaccination of my daughter was never an issue with us getting a US Visa and I was upset, naturally! 

And then sometime in the evening he opened his suitcase. And right on top of it were 2 petticoats a nightie and a dress that I had discarded and my MIL had taken it for her maid in Ranchi. I wonder how it made its way to the US... of A and back to my home, remains a mystery. But My MIL had offloaded some of the undesirable clothes of hers into my hubby's luggage, in all innocence! Not realising that very angry DIL is waiting to pounce at it with pure derision and decapitating anger. And my poor hubby was right there at the receiving end of that wrath. I used the choicest words to protest the discovery in his suitcase. Specifically my anger was addressed to my US returned discarded dress and the petticoats! What on earth was he thinking? And I noticed him cringing under my senseless wrath. 

My first impulse was to cut holes into those ill fated petticoats and the night dress and to punish my truant discarded US return dress by making it into a pochha (Floor Wipe). But then better senses prevailed and I let go of all of those clothes, but that discarded US return dress, that dress is not getting away. 

I realised that we women owe it to our husbands to be the more modern version of mothers when their older mother is outdated with time and excessive dose of motherly innocence. I am responsible to teach him to know what he should and should not put in his suitcase, if he wishes for a safe transit to and from his familial trips. When you refuse to get a dress for your wife, you better not be carrying your mother's petticoats in your suitcase. That is extra baggage your wife is not going to welcome! 

Fast forward to now, I am devising techniques to repair the broken egos caused by my jealous anger and to get us back to life as usual, very important for my kind of profession. I don't really need to take these little things so seriously. But I am glad I love my husband enough to be hurt by him.

Life is Not Fair, It Is Meaningful

"It's not fair" I hear this so often and its is not always that I can go on with life without feeling it myself and experiencing a jab in my gut. Life I agree is indeed not fair. But I don't know of anyone to whom life is fair. 

One fine day, while I was in a deep philosophical mood, I asked myself, if life isn't fair for everyone, is life deficient? Is life a loser? Is life worth the trouble? Is life even worth living and glorifying? 

Pat came the answer, 'No Way!' Not just any 'no way' in small italics, but a bold loud 'NO WAY' in thick bold font. The kind where you would need to first open your lips in a circle for the 'NO', and then pull it backwards and upwards like a joker for the 'WAY'. 

NO WAY! Life is not about fairness. Life is not a corporate workplace. We do not have a director-of-life. We do not have the VP or CEO of life either. In the act of living, we are all alone! We get feedbacks from the unfairness of life. The feeling of unfairness is like life's fuel indicator. If you find life unfair, maybe you are asking for more from life, much more than what life is willing to give. How about giving? How about giving when you feel that life is unfair?

Giving seems to be a mysterious activity. To begin with, what should you give? Not things, like peanuts, or alms, not even Gold. Give your ears, your eyes and your heart.. Listen, see and feel for others, that is what it takes. Most people will love you and cherish the moments shared with you, if you give just this much. 

Remember, not everyone wants to take what you have to give. Sometimes you may be overtaken by the desire to give, but you may find no one to take. You are probably at the wrong place. There is always someone who needs you. look for them. Don't be disheartened. Giving makes you a bigger and better person. But only if you give without expecting something back in return, not even appreciation.

Remember your teachers in school? You did not appreciate them back then. Not all of them. Not all of the time at least. Today, you probably understand the value of what they gave you, without expecting anything from you, not even regard. It is impossible to be liked by all, but it is possible to give to all. 

5 things you need to know:

1. Give without wanting something in return

2. Take what others give with gratitude

3. Don't take what you don't need, even if it is for free.

4. Don't get disappointed by others’ reaction when you give wholeheartedly

5. Move on, the moment you are done. 

1. Give without wanting something in return:  How can you manifest return? What you give is what you think you are giving, but it is for the recipient to take, in the way they need it. Have you ever said something without any intention to hurt someone, but have ended up confused because someone got hurt? Sometimes your giving may also hurt rather than help. You give what you have, often you may not have enough. But as you give more and more of what you wish to give, you will get more and more of it to give more away. Let go of the outcome! “Giving is not about getting back. It is about having enough that you can share it with others, without wanting a return.”

2. Take what others give with gratitude: Sometimes you may not like what you get. Just take it with gratitude, it's the gratitude that is important not what you got. You may think that someone gave you less than what you deserved or gave nothing. It is never about what they gave. The gratitude is for you to be thankful that there are people around who are willing to give. And you must encourage them even when they do not know how to give. Because the more they will give the more they will get more of what they wish to give. 

3. Don't take what you don't need, even if it is free: I remember returning the buy-one-get-one-free block of ice cream, frequently, because I wanted just one block of ice-cream and not 2. Taking whatever you get for free is a big mistake. Remember accidents also come for free. But the cost of it could be exorbitant. Don’t just take things that come for free. Leave it for someone who really needs it. Or for the giver to realise that they could make a better use of the give away.

4. Don't get disappointed by others’ reaction when you give wholeheartedly: Not everyone can like you and not everyone will ever like you. If the reaction to your giving is not to your satisfaction... you need an exercise in making peace with your ego. What you gave is what you had and maybe it was not enough. It is okay that you made an effort. You need not feel within yourself emotions which you did not intend to feel. 

5. Move on, the moment you are done: Once you have given, don't wait for appreciation or response, just move on, because you have done what you felt like doing, you need not delve into the act any further. Let the past be in the past, no matter how glorious. There is so much to do in life, why delve in things already done?

These are simple lessons of life but they can make a big difference to you if you adapt it and live it. 

Live your life the way it works for you… Make POWERFUL CHOICES and be the boss of your own life. 

With loads of love,

Rajat - Your Powerful Choices Coach.