How Forgiving can be Ridiculously Easy!

Don't we each have someone that we hate? Someone that we don't like so much? Someone that annoys? Someone that hurts? Someone that harms? Someone that gossips? Someone that patronises? Someone that ignores? Maybe, one of each kind, if not more! 

It seems like a lot to handle. A lot of trouble. A lot of memory space occupied to remember each unique digression, so as to treat each as they deserve. My latest pet peeve is a family member who omitted to acknowledge me at her daughter's wedding. In fact she simply did not speak to me about the upcoming and now solemnised wedding. 

I am ranting quite self righteously and complaining incessantly about it. I am hurt. And I want to tell her how hurt. I want to tell her a million things, hurtful, emotional, insensitive, whatever comes, I want her to know. 

The amount of space it is taking in my mind is significant. And so I decided, forgive her. What is the point? It was her daughter's wedding, big day - for HER and it was her's to enjoy, to include or not, to boast, to brag, to impress, to fuss over and to make memories.  Make memories with people in HER life. She failed me. It's her loss maybe. Or not. 

For me to be uncharitable to her is only making ME the victim. Which I am not. What was my role in the entire process? Her daughter decided it was time to get married, she conducted the wedding ceremony. Where do I picture in this? As a matter of fact nothing changed for me. I was busy with my own multiple complexities of livingry before and I am busy with the same now. For most of us invitees weddings are just a flash in the pan. Also many many many calories added which we can easily do without. I must actually empathise with her. Who knows what deep rooted apathy led her to exclude me. What unhappy experience made her to be so hardened. At a time when she could be her authentic best and celebrate. But most of all, I must not waste my precious time over someone else's problem.

I debated internally over the right thing to do: 

a. Talk to her. Tell her that I am hurt. Give her a chance to atone. Finally let go of it. 

b. Completely ignore the incident. Not my business!

c. Take it out on her, when opportunity shows up for me to, well, take-it-out-on-her! 

What would be the best course of action? a, b or c? 

When I look at it this way, it is obviously a. Was a. your answer? Or even b., Did you choose b.? Certainly not c. it is such a no brainer. 

If only wisdom remained our true virtue. There is a person inside of me, who is seething with anger, the person who wants to react, the person who wants an eye for an eye, the person who is blinded with rage. What would be the best way to manage her? That person who is my ego. That person who likes to react and say, 'I don't care for the outcome.' That person who leaves destruction behind, for my saner self to navigate my way out. And that person who many times puts me into the quagmire from where there seems no outlet to my calmer, wiser self. She is also my favourite person, please note. She comes with a childish fervour. She knows exactly how to make me feel young and energetic in the moment of rage and destruction. To act invincible and just fade away. Its glorious to follow her into the deepest depth of despair, rather than to just do nothing. My vengefulness therefore is unyielding. I will get solace only when I hurt her back. 

There is one more thing to consider, and it is really important to consider this. Every time, that I have hurt someone back, I have never received confirmation of the pain inflicted on them. I am never able to ascertain whether they really felt it, like I had felt. I can't just email to them and say, "please confirm the pain I inflicted on you, on the scale of 1 to 10, one being least and 10 being most painful. How much were you hurt?" And a follow up question, "If your answer to the above is less than or equal to 5, please clarify how I can hurt you at 6 or higher?" I can't send such a mail!

So no matter how much I may want my vendetta, it is never complete. With no way of knowing how much I hurt them, I remain dissatisfied even after inflicting the pain. It is not even satisfying to hurt other people! They remain inscrutable in their actions and reactions. If life was a movie, we could have flashed back and forward and got clarity over the real outcome of my act of vengeance to be portrayed with apt background track and discernible emotional outbursts. But life is not a movie. There is no plot being played and there is no means of looking into and feeling what others see or feel. This is a zero sum game, a never-ending one at that. It is a constant cycle of hurting, harming, insinuating, insulting, injuring and more, with no real, visible and final, satisfactory outcome. And if I become so dogged in my vengeance, I would only become a career avenger! Nothing more. Not the Avenger as in the movie. But Avenger who only avenges and does nothing but avenge. A life wasted in doling out to people whatever I may wish to believe is their due! But I look into the mirror and realise this instantly: I am not God!

Wouldn't it be better if I just forgave, forgot and moved on? Wow how divine it sounds. Yet it takes the heart the size of an elephant's to do that. Look, I have not seen an elephant's heart, it is probably quite big, proportionate to the size of the animal, which is, you know, big. It is logical to forgive and forget, but sounds impossible. 

Every sinew, every single muscle struggles to hold me back. Every bit of me is ready to Wage a battle to nothing and nowhere. And yes, sanity has a way of coercing insanity into restrained silence. Ridicule. Along with reason, observe the ridiculousness of the situation, and that pretty much dissolves the anger!

10 things To Do To Get Your Forever Smile!

Hey You Beautiful Girl,

Here is a piece just for you.

 "Say Cheese" and I smirked, and there, my pic had been arrested. I am the century's most successful smirker! I remember that program on national geographic which explained how a smile is not a smile unless it shows in the eyes. And how most of our smiles end at our lips, incomplete. Often, eyes are too pained to smile. 

Cheese is cheesy! Why would you want to cheese yourself into a picture? That is certainly not picture perfect. 

Have you ever noticed how many expressions you are capable of when you are not watching yourself? Its funny how you'd immediately change your expression to a mirror! I am sure you do it! There is no way you'd want to see your puffed up angry face on the mirror. I discovered an expression that my nears and dears must have suffered most entire life with me... a sullen, helpless, angst - I get to name it too! And I was so embarrassed to discover it. And to also discover how smartly I transformed on the mirror, in moments: not even daring to acknowledge my perplexing, annoying, self deprecating, disdainful expression! Who wants to be stuck with people in their lives whose dominant expression is so discouraging. I wouldn't!

So the question is, how to have a perfect pleasant face, a face which need not shy away from the mirror, instead a face which brightens up everyone around, wherever it goes. And I am not talking about a picture perfect smile, I am talking about a forever smile.

Here are 10 things you can do:

1. Practice smiling: My meditation gurus, monks at a monastery in Thailand, taught this: Smile at someone or something... anyone, anything, 10 times a day. And I did. Guess what, I feel supremely confident near strangers now. And you know how strangers often make you self conscious? A big smile can make them so at ease in your presence, they will put you at ease in turn, with their warmth. Wow what a way to meet strangers, isn't it? 

2. Appreciate your face: whatever way you discover it in the mirror today. Just appreciate yourself for whatever you are. Tell yourself, "You are Beautiful, I love you!" My top take-away from one of my soul healers, Louise Hay. I have only ever read her books, but she transformed me. The first thing I learned from her was to say to my image in the mirror, "I love you." You can't imagine how uncomfortable it was in the beginning. Because I did not love myself. I did not! Do you? 

And today, I am so completely comfortable in my own skin, I don't need to keep reminding myself of how much I love myself. Because I have begun to see the world around me, which is so humbling, so beautiful, so diverse, so enthralling, I just don't need my ego anymore. 

3. Make faces at yourself in the mirror. Be an award winning actor to your mirror. You can do whatever you choose, on the stage of your life. Including being the best actor in the story of your life. Can’t you? Well, give it a try. Smile, grin, stare, jeer, shudder, tease, pout, distort... whatever, to just know the range of your emotions. You may want to hate yourself. But you can always say... "You are beautiful and I love you," to those pathetic faces you make to your mirror. Remember the best actors are those who started acting before the mirror first. And isn't all-the-world-a-Stage?!

4. Click your angry face, chances are you will hate that person. You may feel like tearing the pic away or deleting it. But remember that face of pure anger. That is how mean and cruel you are capable of being. So you need not complain when others do the same. Just pity them and ignore them, because you have a tool to check yourself, which others don't. Your forever smile!

5. Ask for candid photographs of yourself. You can ask to be photographed candidly in an event. This will help you to find out how you interact with people. It may open up loads of truth about your personality to you. Trust me, you are the greatest stranger to yourself. You are capable of a lot more than you ever knew you could. Just see yourself from other's eyes. 

Just the other day, I had a prospective client and I told her that she looked perplexed. She immediately smiled her prettiest smile to remove my doubt. I told her I'd click her when she was least expecting. I captured her real face and made her aware of what she was carrying on her face all day long. The face she wore, when she was not looking (at herself in the mirror)! That opened up a path for her to acknowledge her real problems. 

Your face speaks volumes about you when you are not aware. Make those the best dialogues for you.

6. Think of all bad things you have ever done and love yourself for just being you. Yes, you need to accept your meanness, rudeness, jealousy, cruelty, all of it. If you think you are none of it... You don't know yourself. I wish you the strength and self-love to be able to know your darker side. You are a fine specimen of human, totally functional. Unless you are damaged in some way, you can function like all other humans and therefore you can also be awful, in fact you have the right and the license to be awful as much as you have the license to be sweet, mystifying, happy and joyous. Be proud of your self-knowledge of your own baser, darker, uglier side. Because your darkness does not disappear just because you are blind sided to it.

7. Click yourself early in the morning. Early morning, your vigour is totally unparalleled. Click yourself whatever way you are. Look at yourself, what do you look like early in the morning. You may know who you are, what you are seeking and why you are here on this planet. Don't smile for the click just click yourself without fluff.

8. Look out for your funniest photographs in your album and make a collage out of it. Keep all your ugly photos with yourself. You may or may not make a collage of it, but those are the photos which you will love the most when you are much older and life has taught you that it is not about those beautiful moments, but about every single moment, and therefore every single moment is worth cherishing. 

9. Write a letter to yourself, promising to love yourself when you are at your worst, just as much as you would, when you are at your best. Yes please write a love letter to yourself. You know the kind where you tell your beloved how much you love the person, how you are happy even when they vomit, fart burp, cough, scream in pain or bloat! That sort of love letter. Love yourself. Be your own greatest well-wisher.

10. Thank the people around you for tolerating you to the fullest. Now you know how people around you have tolerated you. Don't worry if you are also having to tolerate them. Just go ahead and thank them for being there for you. Thank them for being part of your life. There are just a handful of people who truly matter, try to make your relationships as sweet as you can make them. There is no point in spreading misery in their lives and yours' by starting an ego clash with them, getting hurt by them, judging them, having unreasonable expectations from them, torturing them, allowing them to harm or torture you, not forgiving them, listening to them when you disagree... Don't mess up your handful of relationships. Just love them and 'be yourself' for them. 

Finally enough about you. Do you know that when you train yourself to be pleasant and amiable, when you begin to love yourself, when you are unrelenting in your commitment towards you, who benefits most from it? Everyone! All the people around you flock to you, they can't be without you. People you don't even know start to connect with you.

Next time when you click yourself say CANDID! Just be you. You look good whatever way you are. 

Love you,

Rajat, Your Powerful Choices Coach

I Found a Petticoat in My Husband's Suitcase But He is Not Cheating on Me

Recently my husband was visiting the US... of A. Not just any visit. It was the wedding of his most favourite niece. His sister's daughter. Old and young alike, love her and dote on her. I do too. And naturally the excitement in the family was palpable. 

Indian marriage is loaded with many customs which celebrate the older relationships, as we enter into a new one. Not because we all love each other dearly. In fact most of the family begins to hate each other quite naturally. Human nature, ego and all. But the idea is to accept and celebrate them all, so that the new relationships are not fraught with the memories of the bitterness of the older one. 

This wedding was taking place in the US... of A. Post COVID. And I have a 13 year old who was not yet vaccinated. Even as Djokovic was being deported from Australia, psyched by the images of harrowing US visa process and a high probability of visa denial and also the soaring air fare, my hubby decided to go alone on this arduous journey to the US... of A. For practical reasons of course. He had an active multi entry VISA and my daughter and I did not. Absolutely husbandly behaviour. Especially one who has a struggling entrepreneur for a wife. Spending more than earning. 

He very lovingly asked me what I wanted from the US... of A, and I very lovingly declined the offer stating in the modern Indian nationalistic attitude... We get everything in India! But... I said, I love the clothes you got for me from the US, why don't you get some this time around! And he said, "NO." Very husbandly. In 20 years of marriage, I have learned to take 'NO' from him with a pinch of salt. In short, all went well. 

He carried a huge consignment of things that are found only in India, such as Indian clothes for wedding guests, gift from the bride's family to the wedding guests from different parts of the US... of A. He was a fully loaded cargo when he was dispatched from home. With one promise.... He would get us the 'Settlers of CATAN', a board game that both of us had played in the US at a friend's house and had loved. And of-course this was long overdue, so I did not say I wanted it. What if that changed his mind and he got something totally different?!? You know how husbands and wives tend to be totally disagreeable towards each other with time? A YES from one must be refuted with a NO from the other. That is the rule of the game. And we, me and my hubby are pro at that game. 

Quite satisfied with our interaction, I took a sigh of relief as hubby touched down in the venerated soil of the US... of A. I had my own plans. My sister had driven down from Bombay, solo, all by herself, to be with me, as my daughter's summer holidays had kicked in. And She and I had plans. Serious plans. 

My daughter, my sister and I rocked together for the ten days that she was here, while my husband was busy being our sole representative in a cross-cultural wedding, on the other side of the globe. 

And then my sister left and my hubby arrived, like a warrior returning with his battle loot, in the wee hours of a Sunday. I knew he was here, because my dogs began howling. I ran to open the door in sleepy eyes and there he was. Heavy suitcases and all. Back home. 

He went straight to bed and so did I. I did not bother him the next morning. He woke up finally at 12 pm and joined me for lunch. I had cooked a normal meal and served after a hiatus of 2 weeks. The three girls, my daughter, my sister and I, were too busy to cook normal meals all this while. All went well, besides that, that very day I had discovered something. I had discovered that Vaccination of my daughter was never an issue with us getting a US Visa and I was upset, naturally! 

And then sometime in the evening he opened his suitcase. And right on top of it were 2 petticoats a nightie and a dress that I had discarded and my MIL had taken it for her maid in Ranchi. I wonder how it made its way to the US... of A and back to my home, remains a mystery. But My MIL had offloaded some of the undesirable clothes of hers into my hubby's luggage, in all innocence! Not realising that very angry DIL is waiting to pounce at it with pure derision and decapitating anger. And my poor hubby was right there at the receiving end of that wrath. I used the choicest words to protest the discovery in his suitcase. Specifically my anger was addressed to my US returned discarded dress and the petticoats! What on earth was he thinking? And I noticed him cringing under my senseless wrath. 

My first impulse was to cut holes into those ill fated petticoats and the night dress and to punish my truant discarded US return dress by making it into a pochha (Floor Wipe). But then better senses prevailed and I let go of all of those clothes, but that discarded US return dress, that dress is not getting away. 

I realised that we women owe it to our husbands to be the more modern version of mothers when their older mother is outdated with time and excessive dose of motherly innocence. I am responsible to teach him to know what he should and should not put in his suitcase, if he wishes for a safe transit to and from his familial trips. When you refuse to get a dress for your wife, you better not be carrying your mother's petticoats in your suitcase. That is extra baggage your wife is not going to welcome! 

Fast forward to now, I am devising techniques to repair the broken egos caused by my jealous anger and to get us back to life as usual, very important for my kind of profession. I don't really need to take these little things so seriously. But I am glad I love my husband enough to be hurt by him.

Life is Not Fair, It Is Meaningful

"It's not fair" I hear this so often and its is not always that I can go on with life without feeling it myself and experiencing a jab in my gut. Life I agree is indeed not fair. But I don't know of anyone to whom life is fair. 

One fine day, while I was in a deep philosophical mood, I asked myself, if life isn't fair for everyone, is life deficient? Is life a loser? Is life worth the trouble? Is life even worth living and glorifying? 

Pat came the answer, 'No Way!' Not just any 'no way' in small italics, but a bold loud 'NO WAY' in thick bold font. The kind where you would need to first open your lips in a circle for the 'NO', and then pull it backwards and upwards like a joker for the 'WAY'. 

NO WAY! Life is not about fairness. Life is not a corporate workplace. We do not have a director-of-life. We do not have the VP or CEO of life either. In the act of living, we are all alone! We get feedbacks from the unfairness of life. The feeling of unfairness is like life's fuel indicator. If you find life unfair, maybe you are asking for more from life, much more than what life is willing to give. How about giving? How about giving when you feel that life is unfair?

Giving seems to be a mysterious activity. To begin with, what should you give? Not things, like peanuts, or alms, not even Gold. Give your ears, your eyes and your heart.. Listen, see and feel for others, that is what it takes. Most people will love you and cherish the moments shared with you, if you give just this much. 

Remember, not everyone wants to take what you have to give. Sometimes you may be overtaken by the desire to give, but you may find no one to take. You are probably at the wrong place. There is always someone who needs you. look for them. Don't be disheartened. Giving makes you a bigger and better person. But only if you give without expecting something back in return, not even appreciation.

Remember your teachers in school? You did not appreciate them back then. Not all of them. Not all of the time at least. Today, you probably understand the value of what they gave you, without expecting anything from you, not even regard. It is impossible to be liked by all, but it is possible to give to all. 

5 things you need to know:

1. Give without wanting something in return

2. Take what others give with gratitude

3. Don't take what you don't need, even if it is for free.

4. Don't get disappointed by others’ reaction when you give wholeheartedly

5. Move on, the moment you are done. 

1. Give without wanting something in return:  How can you manifest return? What you give is what you think you are giving, but it is for the recipient to take, in the way they need it. Have you ever said something without any intention to hurt someone, but have ended up confused because someone got hurt? Sometimes your giving may also hurt rather than help. You give what you have, often you may not have enough. But as you give more and more of what you wish to give, you will get more and more of it to give more away. Let go of the outcome! “Giving is not about getting back. It is about having enough that you can share it with others, without wanting a return.”

2. Take what others give with gratitude: Sometimes you may not like what you get. Just take it with gratitude, it's the gratitude that is important not what you got. You may think that someone gave you less than what you deserved or gave nothing. It is never about what they gave. The gratitude is for you to be thankful that there are people around who are willing to give. And you must encourage them even when they do not know how to give. Because the more they will give the more they will get more of what they wish to give. 

3. Don't take what you don't need, even if it is free: I remember returning the buy-one-get-one-free block of ice cream, frequently, because I wanted just one block of ice-cream and not 2. Taking whatever you get for free is a big mistake. Remember accidents also come for free. But the cost of it could be exorbitant. Don’t just take things that come for free. Leave it for someone who really needs it. Or for the giver to realise that they could make a better use of the give away.

4. Don't get disappointed by others’ reaction when you give wholeheartedly: Not everyone can like you and not everyone will ever like you. If the reaction to your giving is not to your satisfaction... you need an exercise in making peace with your ego. What you gave is what you had and maybe it was not enough. It is okay that you made an effort. You need not feel within yourself emotions which you did not intend to feel. 

5. Move on, the moment you are done: Once you have given, don't wait for appreciation or response, just move on, because you have done what you felt like doing, you need not delve into the act any further. Let the past be in the past, no matter how glorious. There is so much to do in life, why delve in things already done?

These are simple lessons of life but they can make a big difference to you if you adapt it and live it. 

Live your life the way it works for you… Make POWERFUL CHOICES and be the boss of your own life. 

With loads of love,

Rajat - Your Powerful Choices Coach.