Angela sat in the passenger's seat as I
navigated homeward from work, 5 kilometres of straight road, made in hell.
Angela was pregnant and in her eighth month and so was I. It was a series of
co-incidences which brought us together. I saw Angela first in my apartment and
then at my office and then at the Lamaze class I was attending in a nearby
hospital. I caught up with her at work one day and illuminated her about the
coincidences. She may not have noticed me for the same reason that I did. She
is European and therefore stands out in the crowd, while I am a local and
therefore quite hidden in the crowd.
Angela turned out to be fun to be with.
Her boyfriend lived in Delhi and she worked in Bangalore. Being a person of
foreign origin, she had a work permit in India and it lasted only till she had
a job in India. And now that she was pregnant, with a man of Indian origin, she
wanted to marry him and stay back. She saw a better prospect for herself here
than back in her own country.
As we talked about this and that while we
drove back home, Bangalore traffic, colleagues etc., Angela mentioned another
European friend at office who was single-ready-to-mingle. What she said next
was humbling. I would not have understood it if I was not myself a soon to be
mom. She said that her friend Joan, wants to have a child now and therefore is
looking to be in a relationship.
I was speechless to say the very least.
East was meeting west and getting to know each other! Isn't it true for every
woman? At one point in our lives, we want a child, more than a happy
relationship, more than a soulmate, more than true love, more than a companion
for life, we want the child. It is probably our body clock ticking. We have a
short shelf life when it comes to bearing babies. This biological need makes us
prone to making commitment, as long as we get the baby any man will do. It
makes us vulnerable in the hands of men. A woman in such compromise, is
identifiable. And the hell it wrecks to her relationship is no secret.
1100 kilometres away in Bombay, another
friend, in an abusive marriage, echoed the same sentiment. “I wish he would
agree to have a baby,” she confided ruefully in me one day, “I don't care about
how he treats me.” I did care how he treated her but I remained silent. Since
nothing much changed in her marriage for six years, she finally separated: divorced,
happy and empowered yet feeling incomplete, not for the absence of the relationship
but for being child-less. Today she regrets giving the best years of her life
to the abusive relationship and finds it hard, as she nears her forties, to
admit that she may not bear a child. Her regret is palpable, radioactive. It
drills through my bone whenever it comes up. I wish I would never have to
discuss this with her, ever.
2500 kilometres away in Jharkhand, another
friend is coming to terms with the same pain. Al-be-it in a different package. She
married only when she was into her forties. The pressure to bear a child came
to her from her own family. Being in a position to be able to share my opinion,
one day I tried to argue the dangers of bearing a baby at forty. None-the-less she
did give it a try. She admitted to accepting the idea of adoption only after
four years of trying. Time is ticking for her. She will be in her fifties
before she really gives in to adoption. I hate to judge her for her angst. She
is not to blame. She deserves compassion. Is there a way to console her for the
hormones she never experienced, even though she was capable? It’s like tearing
away the vagina from a woman.
My European friend, Angela, after she had
her baby, was brimming with joy. In a desperate move, searching for the
security, European women are no more wont to, she moved to Delhi with her
boyfriend. Hoping he would marry her. Risking her job and career in India. But
her relationship had turned sore and abusive. She soon returned to her home country,
with her child, to a difficult life of a single parent. But she had what she
wanted. Today she is happy for the choices she made. The hormones, the baby and
the love all settled with that one little individual.
My other friends let go of their real need.
Did they have a choice? It is not feminine in our culture to seek happiness. It
is not even feminine to admit to the need to be a mother. Because the
implication itself is enough to tarnish an unmarried girl. Therefore they
waited. Too much was put at stake over an unpredictable occurrence. And then
they learnt, the hard way, that babies don’t just occur out of marriage. But
they were so unprepared to see this in the first place.
I remember the woman I met at a training I
attended once, years ago. She was a single mother to an adopted child. An
Indian, she obviously did not dare to have a baby of her own when she chose not
to marry. She seemed so fulfilled, she was simply ecstatic. But did she never
regret losing out on the joy of bearing a baby?
Modern women vehemently oppose the idea of
having a baby and letting go of career, yet wanting a baby is so natural. It is
absolutely unavoidable! Women want babies, and often they submit to
commitment, to get just that. Most often than not, such commitments are compromise,
not marriage. Fertility clinics flourish for the metrosexual. Because in their fertile
years, women work and make money. But they can’t do without baby, so they go
for the next best option.
I know how I tugged on to every moment of
my baby's first few years of life, as I do now too. She is 10 now. I can't
imagine life without her.
Not that we don’t want a lover, a companion,
a partner in life. We want them all. We want a husband, who can be our friend
for life. But we can do very well in their absence too! Let me tell you what we
cannot do without. We cannot do without a baby of our own. It is like having a
fairyland on earth. The need for a baby is so intense, sometimes women even
steal babies.
It is time we all empathise with, understand
and encourage a woman who says, ‘I want a Baby!’
Author's Note: Dear Readers, this blog is written based on true incidents. However all names have been changed to maintain privacy.
