Bringing Down The House

I may have always been a mother. A girl is born with a certain number of ovaries or follicles, in her yet to mature body. Technically she is a mother of all these possibilities, even as she is born, herself just a possibility! But aren't babies brought home by storks? Aren't babies lost stars in the galaxy, who finally found homes? Aren't babies a gift of God? They are, yes they are. Why? Because aren't they miracles? Each one of them!

We are born with possibilities aren't we? Endless possibilities. Being able to become a mother is also one such possibility. But choosing to be one is not possibility! It is a conscious choice. And even though it sounds obvious that I should become a mother since I am a woman, I know, deep within somewhere, I chose to be one and therefore I am one. It really does not matter if you have a baby of your own, really. I was a mother by instinct, the way I bonded with kids, the way I watched over them and noticed qualities others had missed, the way I taught them, played with them, told stories to them, consoled and supported them and sometimes even fought for them, I was a mother always. The fact that I got my own little bundle of joy, who transformed me into a jealous, doting, obsessed, suspicious, guilt-ful mother, is actually incidental. Or is it?

I knew exactly everything about children: that is, before I had my own little darling. And it turns out that- that was exactly nothing! A naught, zilch if you may. I was indeed motherly, but being a mother was a whole new ball game, for the Braveheart material! I encountered some deeper secrets of parenting, no one told me about up until then. An onlooker is always blessed with superior knowledge, it is the parents who take the real brunt. Why is it that when the baby goes out, out for a ride I mean, not out of the womb silly, so does the big bag, looking much like a vacation bag, even if it’s just for a few hours? Why do parents pack of a week, for a 15 day vacation and still stress over what could go missing? How tactfulness does not always work with kids, at least not when parents are applying it, on their own offspring! Why children will throw tantrum in public and they all do, actually I don’t know why, I used to when I was not a parent, not anymore! Why do children cry their eyes out and can't be consoled, when the entire planet, with all its diversities, disputes, unrest and contradictions, agree on this one single thing, they all want them to be peacefully gambolling every minute of the day, again I learned I need not know why, eventually they just stop crying so it is okay. How a person, so scaled down in size, can bring down a 2000 sqft-super-built-up-area of a home and a multiple acres of a neighbourhood under her little toe? I in short learned what all parents learn, that this is it! This is that particular it! The ‘it’ I always wished for. The ‘it’ I never knew I had unknowingly bargained for, in all its enormity, in all its paraphernalia, in all its real world charm. This is it! And I bit... off a piece of my lip, to befit that it!

I don't remember sleep deprivation anymore, I don't remember diapering and cleaning up anymore, they are things of the past now. I wonder why parents even complain about it at all. And don't jibe at me yet, hold your ammunition for later. Those are the safest time in our journey as parents. A temporarily tormented sleep pattern is nothing, trust me nothing, in fact a-nothingth-of-a-nothing, as compared to what's in store. No big deal really. The big deal is: what we change, bit by bit, year on year, just for our children, we change ourselves!

How we talk, no F and Y and I and B and D words and please there is a cuss word with every alphabet, so no cuss words.

What we talk, don't complain - don't condemn and do not at any point please, criticize- applies to everything! Try that and you will know it is no child's play, but you will right? For your child!

What we eat, no complaining, I don't like lauki (Bottle Gourd) and karela (Bitter Gourd) and bhindi (Ocra) and arbi (Taro Root), please, the child is listening.

When we sleep, no late nights okay! Otherwise you will have a bag underneath each eye from waking up early to send the kid to school every day of the week.

Our manners, no fighting, no shouting etc etc. I am beginning to fail already in this life long test, the list goes on.

Our interactions, respect people you meet, no back biting and no grave digging.

How we express our feelings, no crying, no getting scared and all that stuff.

By now you pretty much know, it is an impossible task. Better just face it, perfect parents are myths written about in Parenting Books and magazines. They are the boo-boo for parents! Because everything, exactly everything in our behaviour and specially the negatives get reflected in our children's behaviour. We are their puppets! Pinocchios all! Long nosed trust me, because we do make ourselves look perfect before our kids as much as we can, or don't we? Ahem!

People tell me sometimes, and trust me it is really quite flattering, oh I love your parenting blogs, your daughter is really lucky to have you for a mom. Thanks for that! I couldn't thank enough. But I always correct them, and not out of any modesty, come on, only one who wears the shoe knows where it bites! It is the truth- I tell them, "I am lucky to have her for my daughter." Because I would never have been the mother I am, unless she drove me to it. In all these years of being a mother, my perceptions have changed. I have changed out of real fear that she might learn something I do not wish for her to learn! But then chuck it! I am a person too. And some day she will appreciate me for being just that, and no more. And that day, life would have come full circle! 

Why My Love For My Husband Does Not Entreat Me To Fast For Him

Last few days I have seen my husband in stress. This is only the second time in 15 years of our marriage when he has been so. I have chosen to be a good listener. There is little more I can do. And then as I watch him overwhelm with stress and lose his sleep, I invariably find myself saying small prayers for him. I know what worries him and I know it will pass. I know he will get past all hurdles, he is my hero. But I also say the prayers for God to be by his side to help him get past his worries unscathed. To help him get past them stronger than before. As I do that, I realise, that he is always in my prayers. I pray for his happiness and mine, his success and mine, and more than anything I pray for our togetherness. Because our happiness is inseparable. And that is the fact. 

I have never felt the need to fast a whole day for him and institutionalise my love for him, but I did it once - just once! Love needs no proof. I know those who do Karwa Chauth or Teej, do not really go about proving anything. You just follow an age old tradition for your own satisfaction. I on the other hand question it. And therefore I don't do it. 

Just so you know, Teej the lesser known cousin of Karwa Chauth is observed for the same reason as its super star, rolling in wealth and Bollywood charm cousin. It is observed on the eve of Ganesh Chaturthi. It involves a 24 hour fasting without any water or food. The fast is broken only the following day, after touching the feet of the husband. I have never touched my husband's feet, the inequality days are long gone! My mother used to observe Teej for my father and theirs was one of the thorniest relationships I have known. I would not be surprised if she resented it all day long as she made hundreds of Perakia (Gujia) and Thekua (Deep fried Cookies made out of Aata and jaggery). The aroma of the frying delicacies is what enticed me to this festival. The day after Teej, my mother shared the prasad of Thekua and Perakia with the entire neighbourhood and vice versa. So we had the Thekuas and Perakias from everyone in the vicinity. With such strong cultural influence, not many women could have kept away from the custom. After all, who will stop a woman from making and sharing her favourite delicacies and letting everyone know that, her's is the best in the entire block. So in some ways it was a competition of Thekua and Perakia making, which included showing their grit in fasting without water for 24 hours. And all of them won, from what I remember.  

I have observed Teej only once in 15 years of my marriage, I got taken by the charm of being a newly-wed and a chance of sharing my thekuas and perakias, like my mother did before. My excitement waned when I realised that, no one in my neighbourhood knew about Teej and my treats were the best merely because they were the only ones shared! And then after having fasted the whole day, I realised it did not strengthen my love for my husband, if anything, I looked like a desperate lover, badly in need of appreciation. Which I was definitely not! I felt a resentment for the tradition. And the next day when I went to work, I realised that, as an added jolt to my now waned belief, I could not concentrate at work. Not having eaten or even had water the day before, brought down my efficiency significantly. My husband was overseas at that time, so he was spared the soap opera class drama altogether.  

Recently I discovered that some men, some of them my very good friends, fast on Karwa Chauth. For their wives, alongside them, to show that they care. Now that is really sweet of them. From how I look at it, it is a passive conquest against the age old tradition that people find hard to question, without getting a host of resistance from people close to them: Their parents, their relatives and their own spouses! And so they rebel by fasting themselves. A more active rebellion is when you discontinue a tradition, because it is antiquated. 

A question comes to mind, why did our tradition introduce fasting only for women? Why did only women entreat the almighty to protect her family - husband, children, brother, father!? Why have men not been tied down by the same rituals? Answer lies in the roles men and women have historically played in the society. Women took to safer chores such as child rearing, farming and managing the household. (Yes farming was invented by women during stone ages, it passed on to men only later). She took these roles because, her longevity ensured her children's well-being. One parent had to be around for the children and invariably it was the mother. Men took the more risky pursuits, such as hunting, fighting wars, undertaking voyages etc. Their lives were constantly at risk, they literally flung themselves into the eyes of the storms. Their wives, their mothers, their sisters and the family at large were constantly praying for them to return home safely. 

In today's world, the element of danger is equally distributed to men and women. The urgency for constant prayer for long life of just one of the spouses is diminished. Today we as a culture, men women alike, ask, why should only women fast for men? Why don't men fast for women? The fact is, fasting will do nothing more than it did in those 'Chronicles of Narnia' like or 'The lord of the Rings' like yesteryear. It only gave a satisfaction to the person fasting that, while her beloved was in the high seas fighting for his life and in some ways, fighting for their prosperity, she was risking her life in little ways that she could afford, by not eating a few square meals. While their men stood out at the battle field, drumming their chest and claiming that, a true man gets cut to pieces, before giving way to the enemies, what solace did the woman have, by not standing beside him and giving her life too for the same cause? Oh no she had to live for the family while the men folk died for it. And so she gave up food. Sometimes as a community measure, appeasing gods with their prayers and fasting. And poooof… with a wisp first and a bang later, these traditions of fasting came to life. 

To these antiquated traditions, we are just surrogate mothers. We ask, what was the need? There is no need anymore. Really! 

World's First Distance Education Experiment By Eklavya in Mahabharata

So you think distance education is a modern day concept? Remember Eklavya? He was declined university education by none other than Dronacharya. Reason? Oh he could not admit any student who had higher potential for archery than Arjun. Eklavya was an archery prodigy. And by mere virtue of declining education to Eklavya, Drona had proven himself unworthy of a disciple as gifted as Eklavya.

Eklavya however besides all his talent was beguiled by world’s fixation over Drona as the world's best teacher for archery. And nothing but the best would do for him. He did not lose hope however. He was a tribal, born out of the local soil, made of the same materials that built the gurukul's environment, where the Pandavas and the Kauravas were being incubated, for the end of world war forthcoming in the future. He believed in perseverance, persistence, hard work and most of all smart work. He was not one to be disheartened by rejection.

Then and there he devised his own personal YouTube lecture source. A tree top from where the teachings of Drona could be observed from a distance and then practiced assiduously. He may have missed some important lectures, happens to Open University students! But he learnt the skill!

What were his strengths? These are some:

- Observation skill

- Willingness to persevere

- Out of the box thinking

- Problem Solving

- Ability to improvise

- Never say die attitude

- Learning from mistakes, as he did after having lost his precious thumb of right hand!

Now why on earth did this wise non-disciple of Drona have to go cut his thumb of right arm? Gurudakshina for Drona? Drona in the course of Mahabharata proved himself unfit of such reverence in numerous occasions! That was the paradox people! No one gets away without a guru in the real world, sooner or later distance education turns turtle at you and that is when the first real life experience gapes at you and you have nothing but bookish knowledge to stand for you. 

He could have just run for his life at that moment. Declared that having denied him education, Drona had primarily let him down, he had not served his duty of a guru by not keeping him and caring for him in the gurukul. He could have said that, while his blessing was much appreciated, absence of it would not lead to any particular tragedy in his life. Why on earth did Eklavya have to brag! He hid and learnt the skills, he must have known better than to show up and own up his crime! Miserable even in success!

Whatever be Eklavya's reason to abide by the gurudakshina ask, Eklavya was made of much sterner stuff. He did not give up, he became a left handed archer. Because Eklavya was an archer and archery was the only art that absorbed him. What else would he have done? Become a tribal apothecary? What medicines would he administer? Become a tribal lord? What skills of leadership had he learnt? Distance education has its pitfalls! Eklavya had only observed and learnt some of the best archery tricks and it is commendable that he stuck to it under daunting circumstances!

The lesson learnt from Eklavya is, go for distance education if you wish to, but it is probably better if you found a less efficient teacher instead, at least you will not end up cutting your thumb in the end! Even the best teacher in the world is not worth it!

5 Things To Do In a PTM

"Mamma when is the next PTM?" My 8 year old asks me at least once every month. She looks forward to these 'Parent Teacher Meetings'. And we in turn leave no stones un-turned. Call us weird! For this special occasion, I dress up in my best saree, though not a very regular saree wearer otherwise, I drop all my work and appointments. My husband takes an off from work, sheds his techie shorts and gets into his trousers. We spend as much time at the school, as our daughter wishes, no one is in a hurry!

In today's corporatised schools, the parent teacher interaction is extremely elusive. In my daughter's school it happens only twice a year. Besides that, the only means of communication with her teachers are diary notes. I cannot just walk up to the teacher and share a casual chat, like I used to in her preschool days. This means that these two PTMs and about two other occasions, Sports day and school fete, when we visit school and meet the teachers,should be treated as sacred. This is our only chance to meet face to face with those significant adults in our child's life, who influence herwith greater ease than ourselves. We need to respect these silent architects in our child's life for the difference they make. 

In doing so let us also not forget to leave a tacit message that our child means a world to us and that we do not believe in compromising in anything- the education, the environment and the respect given to our child. Let them know, how well connected we are with our child's shortcomings and how much we expect tolerance in that matter!

Here are a few tips to make the PTM a productive day for you, your child and her teachers:

 1. Do your homework: Keep all the red flags ready, if the child is not enjoying a subject or does not like a teacher, that is a red flag. Even if the child's friend does not like a teacher and the child spoke about it, it is a red flag. Children do not easily dislike a likable person. So basically whatever this individual shares as a feedback about your child, has to be analysed cautiously. As a matter of fact all feedback, good or bad, have to be analysed with caution. Over indulgent teachers are as much a risk as cynical ones. An overindulgent teacher can risk making the child too pompous and to lose interest in learning and a cynical one can make the child lose interest in whatever subject they teach. 

2. Let the teachers speak: If there are constructive feed backs or problems shared, do not get disheartened, not everyone can have a good opinion about your child. Make note of it, let the comments sink in. Do not show any reaction in front of the teacher or the child unless it is to defend the child, as mildly as possible. You have a lifetime to teach your child, the teacher may be in a hurry to improve her. Your child will even come to you with marital problems later in life, so there is a lifetime, remember that!

3. Be your child's guest: Let the child take you on a tour of the school. The school means a lot to her and you can't be in a hurry when you have gone to her school. Forget your appointments. They can wait. This is the seat of your child's character building, clinch this chance to see it how she sees it.

4. Make friends with teachers who are short tempered: It is important to make friends with all of the kid's teachers, but never forget to praise the tough ones. It helps your child to deal with the ugly scenes that are common with the short tempered types.

5. Remember teachers are humans: And humans can be right and wrong and everything in between. Do not take anything to heart unless you have fully analysed the discussion that took place. You are responsible for your child's life, the teacher is only responsible for probably just one year, and even less if she is eyeing at some more lucrative job in another school. Know your child in advance, PTM should not be a surprise revelation for you. It should be an opportunity for the teacher to know your child better. 

There is no point in getting hyped up if you get all positive inputs from the teachers. You knew your child already, didn't you? There is no point in getting all depressed and worked up, if you got a difficult feedback. Weren't you already aware there was a problem? 

The more positive you are during the PTM the more influence you will have on your child's teacher and on your child. In the end your child will grow up on positive values and not on mere teacher feedback and marks cards. Just accept it all and go with it. In the end you will solve all of it, if you go with a problem solving attitude. Good-luck for the next PTM!

 Dear Readers, I am not an expert in this matter, this article is based on my own experience of being a mom. 

Pragya Has No One On Her Side But Herself

Pragya needed that cup of tea. It always helped her to pause for a few minutes and reflect. And reflecting is all she had done in past 11 months. So much so that even when her husband thrashed her, even as he slapped her hard on her face, pushed her so she fell flat on the floor, yanked her with her hair and hurled her, threw objects at her, belted her, and treated her to any number of display of his insanity, she kept reflecting. Reflecting over why me, oh god what do I do now. Exactly 11 months and ten days since her marriage, she was still unable to decide what-to-do-now!!

Women are not just chained by the society, they chain themselves with the chains that tie an elephant. Can an elephant be chained without his consent? This was in Pragya's mind for a few days now. You are a consenting victim... you are a consenting sufferer... Basically that takes away the power from her husband, since it is with her consent, SHE chooses to be treated like a ‘nobody’! Even nobody's have a choice.

And then Pragya flipped through the pages of her diary... She had kept a log of her consents to mistreatment... It gave her a sadistic satisfaction and somehow made her feel a power that was ripped off from her in every other way. Pragya married Rohan by her own choice. She was a gregarious college girl, vivacious, playful and fun loving. He stalked her, won her confidence, dated her and then even proposed to her. The families disagreed, theirs was a true Bollywood style runaway marriage. One fine day, Pragya and Rohan eloped only to resurface after a week, having tied the knots, their status as married couple beyond repair.

Day 5: the first time when Rohan slapped Pragya, she got a cup of warm tea, not hot enough for Rohan's taste. Shaken and disconcerted, Pragya wondered what she could do. Hit him back? Well she would try next time. She decided it was a good idea. Hit back. It was my idea to run away, I got Rohan into it. I forced him. this is my punishment for hurting my family.

Memories of that fateful day came rushing back. Both their families were against their marriage. She wondered what families are for, if they could not accept their greatest happiness.

"Let's separate," Rohan suggested. "I don't want you to lose your family because of me."

Pragya fell head over heels in love with him all over again, at that moment. "No let's fight back. If we get married they cannot separate us. Let us elope." Pragya insisted. What a fool she was, she thought! Is this happiness?

I will hit him back. Pragya confided in a friend on day eight. The friend advised that if women retaliate, men hit harder, so there was no point of hitting back. Find out why he is hitting. Pragya thought let me talk to him about it. So she did.

That very evening on day 8 Pragya confronted Rohan, "Why did you hit me? Why?"

"I am sorry for that darling, it will never happen again." Rohan apologised profusely.

Emboldened by his apologies, Pragya retorted, "What if I hit back?"

The look on Rohan's face changed from amorous to menacing in split second, "you better not dare, I can do a lot more!' Rohan warned balefully.

A chill ran down Pragya's spine. She felt the invisible chains clasping her. She felt the same emotion that a prisoner of war feels after having been apprehended by the enemy. Hopeless, hapless, worthless and miserable. The warning was loud and clear.

Pragya dreamed a vivid dream that night. Her husband was thrashing her mercilessly, in the background her parents sat, their mirthful laughter echoing, as they said, I told you so. She woke up with a start. As beads of sweat appeared on her forehead, she realised she was alone, so so alone! She should have known before she eloped with Rohan. And in her mind came the same hollow rebuke of her parents, serves you right!

Day 10 the food tasted burnt, rohan slapped her twice, can't you learn to cook? Pragya was caught completely unawares. Before she realised, the food had been flung to the wall and there they made permanent stains on the rented wall of their space they called home.

"Hit back this time!" Rohan was bawling, "you bloody b*** you will hit back, show me!" Pragya stood stunned, so her deepest fears were materialising, devilishly, slowly and certainly.

Day 19, Pragya took a little longer to open the door, Rohan pushed her and she went flying and hit her head on the table near the door. A minor concussion on the head. The dignity now completely crushed.

Day 30 Pragya was singing and cooking. Nothing unusual, but Rohan was in a bad mood, he slapped her. Oooh only once, just to keep her quiet.

Day 43, Rohan came home and she was busy reading a novel. Rohan got annoyed and ...

Pragya lost count of how many times she had been hit. Her diary looked like it was bleeding with her tears. She had eloped, in order for herself to be unhappy with this man she thought was the man of her dreams, besides one simple correction, she made it now, man of her nightmares!

And then all of a sudden she put two and two together... That was the answer, she could elope once, why not again. To her own peaceful corner, away from Rohan and away from her parents too. So they would not humiliate her with their jibes. She had just herself now. She was just that. Herself.

Pragya needed an anchor, you don't just go out in the world and get yourself a decent living, when you have just yourself. You are a woman. If you have a roof over your head, isn't that safety? Oh yes home is safe she thought, safe till Rohan comes home. But I have the walls, strong solid walls and a roof over my head. Where else will I find it? No, eloping is not an answer, Pragya dismissed the idea the nth time. But Rohan will be here any moment. I don't know if it will be one of the silent evenings, or will it be another entry into my diary?

The bell rang... She checked from the eye hole, it was Rohan. There is a back door Pragya, run!!! It was only day 15 since this thought came to her. Every evening when Rohan rang the formidable bell, she opened the door and shut herself with one single snap. That was her daily routine for last 11 months and 5 days.

And then it dawned on Pragya the next day- where do homeless women go?? do they really have a parallel world? 11 months and 11 days later, Pragya was working on a new concept. Find out where they go!

Asha was her neighbour. Why did she never check with her? Asha was a working woman. Always busy but always had a smile for Pragya. Pragya had difficulty smiling back at Asha. But today she wanted answers. She waited for Rohan to leave. But Asha was already leaving when Rohan left. She waited for her to come back, but Rohan was already home by the time she came. She went out thinking she will go and meet her anyway, but then she changed her mind. 11 months and 11 days were now over.

11 months and 12 days: Asha had left before Rohan. Presently Pragya saw her hurrying back home to pick something, should she go with tearful eyes and beg for her to listen to her plight? Maybe. By the time she could decide, Asha was leaving again. She was scurrying away just as fast as she had come.

11 months and 13 days: Today she would talk to Asha, but no today is Saturday. Two days of the week she detested most, were here. The weekend. She did not have the patience to get to the other end of it. And then Rohan said, he was going to meet a friend at the other corner of the city. Could it be possible Pragya wondered, could he be going? He did. And for a very long time too. That was Pragya's chance, but Asha's husband was home too. No she will wait. No, she cannot, anymore. Pragya knocked at Asha's door. “I need to talk to you. I need your help.” Asha listened to her. She was now in a dilemma, what can she do? She cannot take in a homeless woman! She did not have any answers. But there is a women's home somewhere that she knows of, she said. And they might even have some vocational training for Pragya.

Pragya saw herself as a homeless hapless person, better than a hapless person with a home. I need something concrete she thought. I have myself now!

Asha brought and gave an address and a phone number on Monday, she had waited for Rohan to leave and then handed it to Pragya. Pragya made the call immediately. In fact she had her bag packed and ready before anyone knew. She had the experience of eloping, she knew what to pick and what she would never need again.

11 months and 14 days that Pragya lived with Rohan now behind her. Pragya had many new thoughts already in her mind. Thoughts of happiness and independence that she had never imagined she would dream of. Small dreams, Pragya had herself she would make it too!