Read this to the end, because in the end you
could test to check which type are you... Don't miss the suspense by scrolling
down already!
Are you a person who believes in the
mushed up romance, married the man or woman of your dreams, a TDH (Tall Dark
Handsome) or some such definition of an ideal man or woman, did you marry for
Chemistry? Or are you someone who married the old fashioned Indian way, the 'Alliance Invited' type. For the sake of
convenience let’s call the two types TDH and Alliance Invited. It does not
matter how you married, you might discover that you can jump categories! You
may have had an 'Alliance
Invited' marriage and you
might be all mushy-mushy, besotted, inseparable, can-die-for-each-other couple.
Or you may have had a marriage of your choice, the trophy called 'Love
Marriage', but you might
discover that it was more an alliance than an affair. I knew someone, dating a
girl without the knowledge of his parents. He would take his girlfriend out to
movies or lunch or anything, only if her mother also came! Goes without saying
there were differences in their views (the boy’s and the girl’s) in this
matter. The point in everyone's favour here is... nothing is wrong with being
in either of the categories.
While a lot has been said about arranged
marriages being arcane, inconceivable to the westerners, mysterious, unnatural,
absolutely abnormal etc etc etc... I choose to take offence to that line of
thought and so would many, many of you out there. The two forms of marriages
are intertwined in our tradition, like a fine yarn and both form of marriage
has been equally accepted in our country. Marriage after love and love after
marriage.
The story of Heer-Ranjha is oh so aching
romantic. Heer and Ranjha a social unequal, fall in love. Heer is married off
to another man, Ranjha finds her in her marital home, unhappy and longing only
for him. He brings her back to her parents. Her parents finally approve of the
Heer-Ranjha marriage. Yet they are killed by the steadfast, jealous uncle, who
poisoned Heer's food... killed on their wedding day, Heer by deception, Ranjha
by choice, at the altar of love, because the one he loved had ceased to live.
Heart rending, tear jerking, oh so mushily romantic and devastating all at the
same time, isnt it? And there are more, Shiri-Farhad, Sohni-Mahiwal, Sanyukta-Jaichand,
why even bother to look at modern times, look at the open display of love
between Krishna and Gopis? I don't know how to relate to that. But we all, as a
culture, respect it. I don't need to write a lot, numerous accounts of
such unfaltering love have been read, re-read, made into motion pictures, sung
in songs and engraved in our minds and our hearts.
Here is another story, the story of queen
Hadi Rani, newly wed to Maharana Rao Ratan Singh of Mewar, sometime in the
seventeenth century. Just after their marriage, infact on the night of their
marriage, Rana was summoned to join the battle against Aurangzeb, to save the
modesty of Prabhawati, another Rajput princess. The accounts differ in the
matter of exact timing of summon for the war. Either the night of marriage or
early the following morning. Let’s just stick to one that is more awe
inspiring, more romantic, more oh-so-tragic.
Rao Ratan Singh was visibly ambivalent
about going to the battle, leaving his young bride that night. When convinced
by the queen to leave in haste, he sent back a messenger to the queen, asking
for a memento from her. Hadi Rani sensed that she was an impediment in
Maharana's way to fight a successful battle, he was enthralled, beguiled,
bewitched by her that day. He would probably try to save himself for her,
rather than give it all up, to win in the true Rajput style. 'Rajputs are no cowards', she was taught
by her mother, she realised that history would shame her for holding back
Rana's feet. At the spur of the moment, that very short, hurried, stiffening,
embarrassing moment for a Rajput Queen, the young bride could think of only one
unmistakable, mordant, acerbic memento to inspire the captivated Rana to fight
the battle. Her head, her
last breathe with it, which she sent to Rana on a salver! Her head to strengthen Rana for the war, on a
silver tray!
He wore the memento to the battle, around
his neck, he won the battle, he cut his head off in the end, in one single
chain of events! He had lost interest in life, having abided with love's final
bidding!
She sacrificed her life to send him to the
battle, he sacrificed his on the altar of love, for she was no more! Isn't this
a moving tale? A mere arranged marriage…
And there are more if you want to turn the
pages of history, Ram-Sita, you may differ on this, but they did not have any
courtship and no promises before their marriage. The Swayamvar with the bow, her father's idea,
somehow took away from Sita, the right to choose her groom and handed it to
those men in that ceremony and to their strength and skill to hold and to
string the formidable bow. It was an Olympic matrimonial event! Sita the
coveted trophy... It could have been any man...
The point being that, stories of powerful
love is there in both forms of marriage. If rest of the world cannot understand
our social system, well these traditions were not made for them to understand.
They were meant for us for some reason we may agree or disagree with, either
way it’s a choice we can make.
How did I begin thinking about this? I
refrain from even taking sides here! Well, this thought came to my mind because
I read a query in a Facebook group of
which I am a member. My reality check of who we are, as a culture and a cohesive
group of people... A mom of a one year old had apparently kissed her
ex, in the presence of the kid, in one weak moment, she was worried if the kid
would remember.
Now the test... those of you whose jaws
dropped at this revelation, you might be, at heart, the Alliance Invited Indian at the core...
Just can't understand what this moment-of-weakness is all about. Those whose
jaws did not drop, those who are asking for more questions... you could be the TDH type, moved and carried by the
heart. Making mistakes like this one and making amends along your life, because
you are seeking something more from romance in each moment! Who is anyone to
judge either of you?
I don't know how to judge this incident...
there is no information whether her marriage is still there, whether she is
happy in her marriage or whether she is in cross roads in her marriage.
None-the-less there were comments that she should be chaste to her husband...
we don't even know whether her husband is around! This is how our society
teaches us to see things... You have a one year old... you are a wife too! You
are a wife... you must be happy! You must be ruining your marriage with this
one weak moment!
Any harm in breaking this
stereotype?
Dear
Readers, a serious question for us, some of you may wonder why write about it
at all? What is it worth? When I read this query that I shared above, the only
thing that flashed was that, I didn't want to express my opinion. Don't I have
enough of my own worries that I should be sorting out other's worries too! But
then at a higher level, I feel we women tie ourselves to a high standard and
then shatter ourselves by breaking them... I don't really know in which camp
each of us falls, but we can be a little less judgmental in the end of the day!
I neither support nor oppose whatever this woman shared... I just hope she will
make all the right choices.
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