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Sunday 3 September 2017

Don't let the Blue Whale Get Your Adolescent



I was in my teens when Mahabharat serial by BR Chopra was aired on television. The Jarasangh Vadh episode, (where Lord Krishna tears apart King Jarasangh into two halves) made a couple of eight year olds to split-kill a play mate in a fatal play. The news was everywhere. Some years later Shaktimaan was taking rounds and several kids jumped to their death emulating Shaktimaan. Superman has had much the same impact on kids.

It appears as though those very things which appear quite innocuous to us and sometimes even educational, for our children, can have fatal consequences. Mahabharat was an epic serial and parents in those days insisted their kids to watch it religiously. Shaktimaan was a serial meant for kids, aired on the national channel.

The debate then comes to this, how do we instil the right values in our kids if there is a stream of unintended distractions? How do we save the kids from themselves? Judging by the seriousness of the impact of serials like Mahabharat and Shaktimaan, I would not consider Blue Whale half as risky as it is being touted on news channels today. Because blue whale is clandestine, but these serials were being watched by children under Parent's persuasion!

Some kids play dangerous games because they lack the fear for life, some play them because they are disillusioned by life in their own way, at a very young age, yet some others just like to experiment.

Reading these crazy blue whale suicides, one morning I woke up with a start, I wanted to know if all kids are equally exposed to such threats. How can I protect my child? This being on top of my stack of thoughts. Like all other parents, solutions to some of my concerns, I realised, were not under my control. I cannot be spying over my kid for example. If my kid is on the internet, I cannot always chaperone her online activity. I have made her independent and I want her to be able to make the right choices. Am I being adventurous in thinking that my kid knows what's good for her? All the thoughts led to nothing. I was going in circles. I was not coming close to any answers. 

I decided I needed to go down to their level to find why they do it. So I started thinking how I was in their age. I had a turbulent childhood and teenage, I waded past due to the presence of some very sensible friends. So my life is not exactly much of an example.

In those days the dangerous games were: Guys smashing glass pane with bare hands just to impress a girl, love letters written with blood, kids running away from home, a secret expedition to swim in a river and getting washed away. Teens are challenging adults, trying to prove they are better. At times these renegade behaviour cost them their lives. I can worry all I wish, but how can I stop my kid from being her age? 

I have walked on a parapet at the terrace of a 4 storied building at 2:00 a.m. all alone. I was very desperate then to prove to myself that I was not afraid! I remember the stress and pain I was going through at that time. One part of me did not care if I lived and the other, the basic human part, was scared of falling and dying. 

I know that, the lack of unconditional love during my childhood, left me without a solid base. I took risks because I believed no one cared. A lot of kids grow up with much the same emotions for various different reasons. Could that cause them to play dangerous games? 

Let’s not assume. I don't think there is one single reason for this crazy behaviour, I have known my most well-adjusted friend to take risks beyond her capability in a quest to show off her smartness. The thing is, her parents made sure that she understood what the consequences of her action could have been. Within a few years I saw the difference, she was far more cautious and mature than I was and she had lost interest in dangerous games altogether, while I was still fidgeting with the same thoughts. 

I have really invested in trying to be a good parent, I did not have the examples to make me a natural parent. I see my husband absolutely naturally be a good parent, I have to learn. But like all parents I suffer from many limitations. One of them being my own habits and responses! For someone who has been beaten as a child several times a day on a daily basis, scolded and humiliated as a practice, I have come a long way. But my impulses are counter intuitive to my desire to be a good parent. I realised that I was confusing my daughter, I realised it when she was still very young. 

I decided if I cannot change much about myself at least I can explain the reason for it. I spoke to my daughter at length, even when she was three and four. Eventually this is what she said to me one day, as I was speaking to her on our drive to her pre-school, "Mamma I know you love me, but you get angry sometimes. I don't mind it." I was touched by her wisdom. She was just a baby, but my efforts were paying off. Goes without saying I felt my eyes moisten. Was I really getting to wipe off the curse of my abnormal childhood? I have learned to control my impulses better, I am still learning. But that should not come in the way of my child.

And talking to her is just what I do always. Every time I have a concern, I just voice it to her. She talks to me openly. I tell her how happy I feel when she is happy, how sad I feel when she is sad. She has cried on my shoulder at age five over a boyfriend. She knows there is nothing she cannot share with me. Sometimes when her friends tell her to hide something from me, she tells me all of it under the pledge of secrecy. It is difficult for me to not pounce on her with my idea of good and bad when she shares these things, but my restraint has paid off.  

Parenting seems to be the ultimate act of daring. Let’s not forget that more adolescents die in India because for poor marks in board exams, than due to fatal games. There does not seem to be any quick fix solution to the Blue Whale problem, or the Choking Game problem, or any of such fatal games, but as parents we can take the place of our kid's greatest well-wishers. We can guide them at their pace and hope that they will tell us everything which bothers them. And if they are confident to do that, let’s hope no one else takes that place till they find the right person for it. 

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